Boyfriend has HSV2 // Need Advice!!!

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Boyfriend has HSV2 // Need Advice!!!

Postby jackie241 » Mon Nov 18, 2013 2:10 am

Hey guys!

So a few months ago I started dating this amazing guy. We had A LOT in common and hit it off right away.

We waited a while to have sex and about 3 weeks after we started having protected sex he admitted to me that he had HSV-2. I was upset at first that he didn't tell me prior to us having intercourse but I was willing to forgive him because I know this can't be something easy to disclose. I know the right thing for him to have done was tell me beforehand but it didn't happen that way.

Either way, at first I told him I was ok with the condition because I didn't want to lose him and we had sex again the day he told me about the diagnosis. But a week has gone by and I'm really struggling with the notion. He really is a great guy and I see a future with him but I'm terrified of the possibility of catching it. He says to-date he has not infected anyone including his ex wife of 3 years and they had a lot of unprotected sex. Well he went to have sex with me this morning and I pulled the plug on it and told him that I needed more time to think about it. He says this is the first time it's happened to him that a gf/significant other needs more time to think about it. I think he's starting to back off in fear that I'll decide I don't want to be with him or deal with his condition.

I need advice as I feel stuck between either losing a great guy/relationship or taking on the risk of catching it. I wish he was a bit more open/ok with me needing more time to think about it.

Advice?

- don'twanttolosehim
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Re: Boyfriend has HSV2 // Need Advice!!!

Postby Yoshi2me » Mon Nov 18, 2013 11:24 am

He says this is the first time it's happened to him that a gf/significant other needs more time to think about it.


It really bothers me that he wasn't thinking of you enough to talk to you about having herpes before you guys had sex. That's red flag #1 for me.

That comment up there I just quoted from what you wrote - that's red flag #2 for me BIG TIME.

The fact that he is trying to guilt/manipulate you into feeling inadequate about your very valid and legit concerns is one too many red flags for me.

If he was a great catch he would not be trying to make you feel bad about wanting to take some time to think about it. You have a right to think about it. What else is he hiding from you?

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Re: Boyfriend has HSV2 // Need Advice!!!

Postby Elizabeth » Mon Nov 18, 2013 1:17 pm

It's one thing to err in judgment (talking about his HSV status), and quite another to be put off with you because of your VERY LEGIT reservations. I would like to see him be SUPER apologetic about his telling strategy and respectful of your desire to hold off on sex. He should be comforting you by any means possible and helping you get educated. I'm guessing if he were behaving as I'm describing, you'd be in a much better frame of mind.
I mean, I too am one someone with herpes who doesn't 'suffer' outbreaks or issues, so it's easy for me to be comfortable and blase' about living with a skin virus that does not affect me AT ALL. However, I recognize that someone hearing for the first time that I have it would be taken aback and if the support and understanding are there, the shock factor usually lessens with time. I'm currently in a relationship, and I've opted to take a daily antiviral to make my partner feel more comfortable and secure, even though he doesn't seem to care if I take it or not. And we have protected and unprotected sex. And I've offered him plenty of latitude to ask questions. And so far, the HSV factor is a non-factor in our relationship.
If you truly feel there is a potential future with this man, I agree with Angela's point to query further about anything else he may be hiding. If it's just that he felt embarrassed talking to you about the HSV, I get it. But he can make this right if he's willing to show some deference and patience. If he can't, then he's not mature enough to be with you.
Let us know how things progress.
Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off. ~Ellen DeGeneres
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Re: Boyfriend has HSV2 // Need Advice!!!

Postby jackie241 » Mon Nov 18, 2013 8:16 pm

Thanks Yoshi and Elizabeth...

I agree! Maybe I'm better off cutting this off while I still have a chance. It's so hard. I have been crying since last week at the thought of ending things over something that may not affect me (if I stay safe and we use condoms) and at the thought of having this or contracting it in the future or finding out that i have it post breakup.

Maybe I need to grow some balls and just tell him how screwed up it was that he told me about his status after we had sex including 1 time drunk and unprotected.

He is not being comforting whatsoever which scared me because I feel like if I did get it from him long term, he'd just be minimally comforting or maybe he's just annoyed that I didn't instantly jump in the sack with him despite his status disclosure. I agree that if he did behave in a more comforting/educated manner I'd be much more open to accepting it. Like let's go together to my doctor/your doctor. I want to make sure you are safe, etc... Is all this stress worth it for a guy? Should I just move on? Argh!

On the insensitivity to me needing time, I think he's just grown immune to the impact it does have on someone that doesn't have it and that's what I explained to him and he said that he did see my point and how it was valid.

What to do? What to do? I think I may have already jumped the gun as I texted him this morning telling him I accept him as he comes because I was so heartbroken and distraught at the thought of losing him.
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Re: Boyfriend has HSV2 // Need Advice!!!

Postby Elizabeth » Wed Nov 20, 2013 10:54 pm

Hi Jackie, first of all, hang in there because things will be okay regardless if you keep him or boot him.
Second, I'm just curious, has he once apologized for telling you about his HSV status AFTER having sex with you? Has he pointed you to any educational material, or offered to take an antiviral, or asked you questions about your own STD status? If he's done none of these things, I have a big problem with him. And yeah, your risk of contracting this virus is probably not all that high, but that isn't the point. He should be doing whatever it takes to make you feel at ease. The fact that he's not comforting you or showing much empathy is a red flag that speaks volumes about his character.
Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off. ~Ellen DeGeneres
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Re: Boyfriend has HSV2 // Need Advice!!!

Postby Yoshi2me » Thu Nov 21, 2013 12:24 pm

I agree wholeheartedly with Elizabeth.

This is definitely a BIG red flag in my book!

Please keep us posted.
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Re: Boyfriend has HSV2 // Need Advice!!!

Postby jackie241 » Sat Nov 23, 2013 8:48 pm

He's on antiviral meds. Getting the full scoop on which ones this weekend. We talked a lot about herpes for the remainder of the evening when he told me and told me I could read more online but didn't direct me to any specific sites. Pretty easy to find that info on your own nowadays. Now for the big one... He hasn't apologized so I plan on addressing that this weekend too. I truly do not feel like he's a horrible guy but he messed on that one for sure. So I need to hear his rationale for not telling prior to sex and his apology. Things could be forgivable if he is truly remorse for messing up. I also need his commitment in keeping me as "safe" as possible. Making sure he informs me if he stops his meds, makes sure he checks himself before sex for OBs and always use a condom no matter what. If all that happens, I will be open to making this work.
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Re: Boyfriend has HSV2 // Need Advice!!!

Postby Elizabeth » Tue Dec 03, 2013 12:22 pm

Hi Jackie, how did the talk go about all the open-ended issues the boyfriend needs to address?
Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off. ~Ellen DeGeneres
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Re: Boyfriend has HSV2 // Need Advice!!!

Postby LustforLife » Sun May 18, 2014 10:25 pm

how about an update, jackie?
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