Should I tell my partner before we kiss?

I’m 35 years old and I was recently diagnosed with herpes simplex one, cold sores of the mouth. I was told by my doctor that if I ever felt a cold sore coming on, then I shouldn’t kiss until it was completely healed. Otherwise, she said that it wasn’t necessary to tell other people about this.

My dilemma is this: I still am not sure is I should share this information with whomever I intend to kiss. It seems to me that since the vast majority of people have herpes simplex one (60-90%) then it doesn’t seem necessary to tell a partner before kissing. Of course, I intend to share this information with someone while dating and before having sex, since I know that this can be spread through oral sex.

I realize that this might be a gray area and more of an ethical question. But it bothers me that I can infect someone regardless if a cold sore is showing or not and so my feeling is that they have a right to know. The problem is that this will make it very difficult for me to date people if I have to have this conversation before having developed intimacy with that person. Any advice? I’m deeply confused! - Anonymous

I think people should be talking to their partner’s about their STD status before they have sex. I think most would agree with me that if you are going to be sexual then you should probably talk to your partner about your status. Likewise, I would hope that you guys would talk to each other about it and make a date to go and get tested together for stuff before you have sex.

I’ve heard people say that as long as you are  just kissing that it’s ok not to tell or talk about it before you kiss them. I would venture to say that if you are worried about it and you care deeply for that person that it’s a conversation worth sharing and if they care for you they will not judge you are hold it against you. That’s just my thoughts on it though. I hope this helps - Angela

Herpes on her face

Here’s the comment I got:

Hi, I just moved into a apartment with two other girls. I just found out that one of the girls has herpes on her face. I just wanted to know what I should do to protect myself from getting it. I was also wondering what the chance are that I contract herpes.

Here are my two cents:

First all, how do you know that your room mate has herpes on her face? Does she have a history of cold sores OR fever blisters?

What makes you think that you are going to contract herpes from her? Are you letting her perform oral sex on you? Have you been kissing her while she is going through an outbreak?

Have you ever been tested for herpes yourself? Do you know your status?

What are the chances that I get infected?

Here’s the question:

Hello, you might be able to answer my question.  Ive just had a sexual relationship with someone infected.  There was oral and then protected intercourse.  the other person did not have an outbreak at the time.  I guess im being paranoid but what are the chances that I get infected.  if so how long does it takes before symptomes starts showing.  Nice site….need more people like you.  tk you

Here’s what I think:

I guess if it were me, I would start by getting tested. Since herpes isn’t included in the routine std testing process, it’s probably a good idea to figure that part out.

Also, just because you had sex with somebody that has herpes doesn’t mean that you definitely contracted it. People that have herpes are not 100% contagious at all times. The only time we are contagious is if the virus is active and present on the surface of the skin.

But sometimes it can be active and you can’t see or feel it. That’s why people with herpes are told that it’s still possible to pass herpes even if there aren’t any signs or symptoms that you can see or feel.

As far as first time signs or symptoms go, everybody is different. Some people will contract it and they won’t know it and others might get symptoms anywhere from 10 - 14 days afterward.

Be sure and visit my: Herpes Information pg

Talk about  herpes on the: Shut Up N Post! STD Message Board

Is it possible to contract herpes via oral sex?

Here is the question:

I have oral herpes and I have some concerns.  I have been tested for genital herpes and it was negative, but I gave my boyfriend oral sex and he has blisters on his penis now….could I have passed it to him?  I don’t know if it’s possible to pass oral herpes to his penis when I don’t have genital herpes…I am freaking out!  Please help if you can!  Thank you so much!

Here’s is my answer:

Since you say that you have oral herpes, then yes, it is possible to pass herpes to your boyfriends genital via oral sex.

You’ve already said that you don’t have genital herpes and that it’s oral herpes that you have. So there is no way he could have contracted it from your genitals since you don’t have it there. Does that make sense?

Is your boyfriend planning on getting testing OR going to see the doctor so he can figure out what those blisters on his penis are? It might not even be herpes at all, ya know?

I truly think he cares for me, but …

From the Feedback Form

Hi, I have been living with HSV-1 for 3 years now, and am still dealing with the “relationship” issues.  I contracted it from my ex-boyfriend who was sleeping with 3 other women during our relationship.

I recently met a “normy” and we had the talk early on.  He decided that he would accept me because what I have does not define who I am.  I was so happy and relieved to finally meet someone who realizes that fact!

He too is not perfect, and one imperfection for him was that he couldn’t keep it hard during sex. (he’s an older gentleman, 48, with a bad heart and on meds) I accepted him for that, because, hey, who am I to judge. lol.  I am a very open minded person, anyway.

Well, just last night we talked about some things and it was brought out into the open that it’s not nature that causes him to not keep it hard, but the use of a condom. Wow!  I thought, not knowing how to feel about that.  He said that he knows my great qualities and we have so much chemistry between us, but when it comes to sex…he’s really nervous!

I am on suppressive therapy with Valtrex, always have been.  He’s performed oral sex on me quite a few times, and I on him.  Now, I did mention, that if he’s not using a condom with other women before me, then he’s taking an even bigger risk.  He feels that because he doesn’t sleep with a lot of people, then he’s not at risk.  He’s so wrong, and I didn’t want to be the one to point fingers, cause I am no poster child.

My heart is so broken, I felt like just when I thought I had accepted that I have HSV-1, here and now with a broken heart, I’m no so sure….again!  What can I say to him, if anything, or do for that matter to make it easier for him?  To put his mind more at ease?  I truly think this guy cares for me, but the sex issue is weighing too much on his mind.

From Angela aka Yoshi2me

Why don’t you sit down and talk about making a date to go and get tested together so you will know what his status is and he will too?

It’s not all about the fact that you have genital herpes type-1. I think you have a right to know what his status is so you will know what you are dealing with too, right?

Or am I not understanding your question?

Could she pass herpes to me if … ?

From the Feedback Form

Two questions recently I believe this guy who made out with this girl had herpes then this girl made out with my friend in the span of 10 minutes then my friend with no consent to me made out with me.

So if she had herpes from that girl kissing that guy could she pass it to me from having it for that long.

From Angela aka Yoshi2me

Any time you have sex with somebody OR engage in sexual activity you risk the chance of contracting an STD.

I don’t really understand what your definition of “making out” is so I’ll just say that Herpes is spread skin-to-skin usually through kissing, sex OR oral sex.

The only way to know if you have an STD would be to be tested for them. Be sure and ask your doctor OR clinic which ones they are testing you for because they are not all included in the routine STD testing process.

I received HSV type 1 from my boyfriend

I received HSV type 1 from my boyfriend (whom I am still with) from oral sex about 10 months ago. I know that herpes always stays with you and even if you don’t have an outbreak it sheds and can be spread. However, I have not had any outbreaks since my first one and my boyfriend already has HSV 1.

I just went to my gyno and he told me to go on Valtrex daily; however, all he knows is I have herpes. He didn’t ask me any questions about my specific situation. I put in my prescription and it happens to be a lot of money which I just don’t have sadly.

My question is: Which is better; daily therapy or episodic treatment? Even if I don’t have a lot of outbreaks, should I be taking Valtrex daily? If so, I will find a way to pay for it, I just wanted someone else’s advice.

I don’t know who else to ask because I don’t know anyone else that has it… If you could message me back with an answer that would be so helpful.  Also, your site makes me feel so much better about myself. Thank you so much for doing what you do!

Here’s my response

I don’t really see why there would be a need for you to be on suppressive therapy since 1.) you don’t get that many outbreaks and 2.) you and your boyfriend both have herpes.

It’s not as if you were trying to keep him from contracting herpes since he already has it, right?

Now I could see going on suppressive therapy if you were having too many outbreaks OR you were trying to keep your partner from contracting herpes but that just isn’t the case with the situation that you described, ya know?

Hope my response was helpful for you…

My boyfriend wants to protect me from HSV-2

Question:

My boyfriend wants to protect me from HSV-2 he got back in ‘02. He’s never taken meds, gets 1-2 OBs a year, only one sore on the back of his thigh. We have a question about shedding. Can we cuddle naked in bed when there is no OB or tingling? Does shedding mean he always has to wear pjs to bed?  Can it be transmitted to any part of my body?

Answer:

I think it’s great that your boyfriend wants to protect you and keep you from contracting herpes. I guess what I’m wondering is if you  have ever had accurate herpes testing done? What if you already have the virus and just don’t know it? I think it’s best to be aware of both of your STD status so that you can make more informed decisions together.

Asymptomatic shedding just means that the virus has traveled to the surface of the skin, is active, and you just can’t see OR feel it. So I guess I don’t understand why you don’t think that you can cuddle naked? No, Asymptomatic shedding does not mean he always has to wear his pjs to bed.

The only way he can pass herpes to you is through sex, anal sex, oral sex, OR kissing. Of course this all depends on what type of herpes he has and where it’s located. But seriously, why don’t you have proper herpes testing done so you will know if you have herpes OR not?

Sean Covey: Author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens - SHAME ON YOU!

Angela, thanks for the info…

Here is a rant I just sent off to the publishers of “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens” and its companion book “The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make.”

I AM SOOOOO PISSED–PLEASE SOUND THE ALARM!

I am the aunt of teenaged boy who is struggling with issues related to drug use and sexual activity–and I bought your book hoping to help him. Naturally I read it first.

Let me cut to the chase: as a medical social worker and therapist, I am OUTRAGED at the nonsensical, judgment-laden entry concerning herpes. Herpes are “gross”? It is “extraordinarily painful and humiliating”?

And finally–the information about infected mothers is a half-truth at best. HOW DARE YOU!! Are you the DIRECT heir to Puritanical garbage? I work to help teens lessen their hysteria about herpes–some get suicidal about getting what amounts (in most of the world by the way) to no more than a skin irritation–

What you are essentially saying to kids who read this–hey, if you already have herpes–your life will suck–and you may kill your babies. And to those “non-infected” (there may be about two of those left)–they should truly give up a partner if they find out that this person has herpes. “If you are shocked and grossed out a little by all this stuff–good.”?

YOU may have blood on your hands for this kind of holier than thou education. Shame on you. I am not done here–I intend to take this info to herpes advocate sites and other media.

And, oh, by the way, I have oral and genital herpes. I’ve dated others with it–I have friends in long marriages with it–in fact, those of us who KNOW we have it are MUCH less likely to pass it on–but even then–SO WHAT?? It is NOT NOT NOT a major disease.

Shame on you. Obviously, I did NOT give my nephew your book. And every teen client I have will know what book NOT to read.

ARRGGGHHH! - M

HERPES TONIGHT begins June 5, 2008

Life Lessons, and Lesions, on Stage. See What Develops.

West Coast premiere following successful New York debut!

Preview June 5th

Opens June 6th, through June 24th, 2008

(Los Angeles, CA) (April, 2008)… The Immediate Theater Company is pleased to announce the West Coast debut of the uproarious solo comedy HERPES TONIGHT!, coming to the Lounge Theatre in Hollywood beginning June 5.

About The Show

HERPES TONIGHT! began with the experiences of writer/actor Corey Moosa - experiences he had not seen dramatized elsewhere.

Moosa, whose acting credits include several noted productions in New York, explains that “every day, thousands of people are diagnosed, and sometimes misdiagnosed, with sexually transmitted diseases. It’s really scary. Also really funny.”

Originally entitled Herpes: A Corey Story, the show had a successful premiere in 2007 at downtown Manhattan’s HERE Arts Center. Hailed as “a touching and hilarious one-man exploration of the diagnosis that changed everything” (nerofiddled.net), the show was embraced by audiences inside and outside the STD self-help community.

During the course of the eighty-minute performance, Moosa plays more than a dozen characters, including his Iraqi father, several members of a New York herpes support group, and Kurt Cobain. In addition to the wealth of medical information conveyed in the show, Moosa shares the advice of doctors good and bad (”He told me to Google it,” he says in astonishment, recalling the initial diagnosis), and the wisdom of personal experience (”I’m here to tell you it is possible to adjust your opinion of yourself and the world you live in to accommodate any number of viruses”). Arriving at the conclusion that “shame is not an STD,” he wrings pathos from comedy and comedy from pathos.

“Now, I’m not an expert in much,” Moosa tells his audience at the top of the show, “but I’m pretty smart when it comes to this stuff. I’m also really knowledgeable regarding popular television of the past forty years, which is totally unrelated to herpes, but crucial to my personal history.” Indeed, HERPES TONIGHT! is laced with references to the pop culture universe in which Moosa grew up. He explains the behaviors of viruses by comparing them to Star Trek characters, and identifies his ex-girlfriends as “Kathie Lee Gifford” and “Kelly Ripa,” to protect the innocent.

About the Writers

Moosa credits his collaborators with making the show work. Playwright Brian Shoaf, who co-wrote HERPES TONIGHT! with Moosa, helped him weave his experiences into drama. Shoaf’s previous plays, which have been seen at UCLA’s New Play Festival and the Seattle Fringe Festival, include Joist Wrote Ulysses and Girder Wrote Faust and This is Calm. Shoaf’s Conspirators was produced by the Immediate Theater Company, under the direction of José Zayas, who staged Herpes in its original incarnation.

Immediate Theater Company

The Immediate Theater Company (Best Theatre Company, 2005, New York Press) has won acclaim for such productions as The Germans in Paris and Strom Thurmond is Not a Racist, and Zayas was named one of nytheatre.com’s “People of the Year” in 2007. The sound effects and slide projections used in Herpes were designed by Noah Diamond, another frequent Moosa collaborator, who cast him in the political satires Burning Bush: A Faith-Based Musical and Moral Value Meal.

About the Team

Performed by Corey Moosa. Written by Corey Moosa and Brian Shoaf. Lighting design by Matt Richter. Sound, graphics, and direction by Noah Diamond. Original direction by José Zayas.

HERPES TONIGHT! runs June 5th through June 24th, 2008. Preview is June 5th, with opening night June 6th. Performances are at The Lounge Theatre at 6201 Santa Monica Blvd. in Hollywood, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays at 8 PM. Tickets are $20 (preview night $15). Running time is 70 minutes with intermission and concessions available. Allow time for street parking.

For reservations, call (323) 960-7776 or RESERVE ONLINE:
www.plays411.com/herpes

Other places you might like to check out are as follows:

1.) Herpes Help

2.) Social Support Networking Alliance

3.) Shut Up N Post! STD Message Board