I’m not sure how to tell him
Posted on Wednesday, October 8th, 2008 at 8:00 AMHi, I’m a member of the pup group. I’ve had herpes for about 12 years, and in that time I’ve pretty much shy ed away from any relationship. I’m always reading the messages and get inspiration and strength and support from your website and pup.
I finally plucked up the courage to start dating, and I’ve fallen for someone who at this stage i will assume doesn’t have herpes. I’ve read all the telling stories to give me courage, but my problem is that I’m so petrified of having the talk.
When I read the westover heights, I feel a bit ok, but once I get onto wikepedia the info looks scary and I feel like that would scare him off if he ever looked at that. I also feel that the only way i would feel comfortable having the talk is writing it all down in a letter and having him read it while I’m there.
Could you please give me any tips and advice, it would be truly appreciated because right now, just thinking about it makes me feel sick. – Anonymous
Hi Anonymous,
I think it’s normal to feel this way. I don’t blame you for not wanting him to see the wikepedia herpes entry. It’s a bit over the top. In fact, I think the people that put that page together are looking at worse case OR text book scenarios that you might find in a medical school setting.
If it were me, I would take your time getting to know him. Give him a chance to get to know you. You don’t know if you are going to have sex with him or not. In fact, you could put sex on the back burner until you think that this is the right guy for you. When things start getting a bit more serious and you think that yoru relationship is headed in that direction, then you can sit down and have a talk with him.
You also have to remember that’s it’s not just about your status. It’s about his status too. So make a date and plan to get tested together so that you will both know what you are dealing with. If you want to share a resource with him then share our story. It was written from my partner’s perspective.
Good Luck! =]
For what it’s worth, I don’t think I’ll ever have another relationship because of this. I was 44 and engaged at the time. I walked away and haven’t dated since. I’m 55 now, live alone and I prefer it that way. I don’t like it, but it ruined my life all because she said nothing about it. I won’t do that to anyone else and, I won’t go through the embarassment of having to say, oh, by the way………. This is what one act of selfishnes can do. Honesty would have saved the relationship. It’s not just that it happened it’s that she took my choice away with no regard and obliterated my ability to trust in the future.
Another point I’d like to make is that Herpes is a lot worse than my doctor let on. It’s not just an inconvenient discomfort a couple times a year, In my case, there is major swelling and pain in lymph nodes and severe arthritic pain in the knees, hips, lower back and a general flu-like malaise for two weeks at a time. Thanks Doc.
Hi Mick,
It almost sounds like it’s possible you could have a lot more going on than just herpes.
I find it hard to believe that you’ve gone 10 years without dating or opening yourself up to the possibility.
Have you thought about seeing a counselor or therapist that might be able to help you work through this?
Hang in there -