Sexual Health Buzz

I am a mother struggling in coming to terms with how I’ve possibly infected my newborn with hsv. I can only assume I contracted this virus through unprotected sex during my youth. I am completely to blame.

A few years after I settled down and married I was diagnosed with this disease. I had never had an outbreak prior to that so had no idea I carried the disease. I had already given birth and my child was already 2 yrs old when I first discovered I was infected. Thankfully she was born healthy but it sends chills down my spine knowing I gave birth to her vaginally NOT knowing I had the virus.

It almost destroyed my marriage. After telling my husband he initially was frightened of the virus. He even went through a period where he refused to touch me, not even shake my hand. As if my self-esteem wasn’t already damaged enough by the virus itself my husband’s behavior only compounded the hurt and pain I felt inside. After he was tested and realized he was already infected there was little need for him to fear the virus anymore. He has never had an outbreak to this day. We have argued countless times whether the virus actually came from me or him as we both had unprotected sex during our youth, so who knows? What’s done is done, blaming doesn’t change things. Somehow we managed to salvage our marriage yet to this day it is not as happy as it once was.

Three years after this turmoil I happily fell pregnant again. I was assured by my OBGYN that I could safely give birth vaginally if I had no signs of an outbreak and if I also took a course of antivirals. So I diligently took the medicine during my eighth month of pregnancy and prayed to God my baby would be protected. I soon gave birth to a healthy baby but at 10 days old he developed a strange rash on his eyes. It first appeared as small bumps so I dismissed it as baby acne but by day three the so called bumps had spread and began to turn yellow although they never ulcerated.

Fearing my child had hsv I took him to the ER where he saw the on duty pediatrician. At first glance she said the rash was a yeast infection but I swallowed my pride hard and questioned her if it could be something more serious given that I had hsv 2. I hated admitting to a complete stranger that I had this virus. She then called in yet another pediatrician for a 2nd opinion who decided that based on the appearance of the rash and my medical history that it was indeed hsv.

My baby was then admitted to hospital and given antivirals for 10 days. The rash on my babies eyes dramatically cleared up within three days. Blood tests showed my baby tested positive for hsv 1 and negative for hsv 2 which both confused and relieved me at the same time. The pediatrician then began to explain that MAYBE the baby contracted the virus from someone who had a coldsore and not me after all. I had already told them that my other child aged five suffered from hsv 1 on her lips and had given the new baby a kiss on his face after his birth yet the pediatrician said it was most likely he contracted it from me during birth.

What to believe? My heart ached not knowing. So they performed yet another blood test to test again for hsv 2 stating that maybe the first test would not have picked up the antibodies of type 2 so quickly given the way in which the baby contracted the virus via delivery. However the reason, they assume, for the positive type 1 was that I passed on the antibodies for that type to my child during the pregnancy. I never knew I had hsv type 1 either as I have never had a cold sore in my life.

My mind boggles at what virus came from where and who is to blame. I have yet to return to the hospital for the second test results. I suppose it’s a moot point now. My baby has the virus regardless. I spent those 10 days in the hospital blaming and hating myself and hating the unfairness of it all.

Due to the 2nd hospital stay and general business with a new baby I have yet to re visit my OBGYN so I’m not sure what she would make of this but my mid-wife did say she was surprised that this happened given I had no outbreak and was on antivirals but reminded me that there was always that risk however low. How could I be so selfish? After all I KNEW this time in advance that I had the virus. I could have protected my second baby even more but I was terrified of surgery. So I will now spend the rest of my life regretting not giving birth via cesarean.

The hospital assured me that other than the rash, my baby had suffered no other damage yet how could they be certain I question to this day as no other tests were performed.

My now two month old baby is healthy and active but I live in constant fear that the virus will reappear and affect his health and life negatively. What will I tell him as he grows older? Will he hate me for it when he becomes old enough to really understand what this virus is? Will it take his eyesight? How will it affect his life? These thoughts bombard me constantly and have me riddled with a pain in my heart I have never known before.

***If possible I would like to hear from mothers who have experienced similar situations with neonatal hsv and how they and their children have coped.

Thank you kindly, M.