Sad Endings
So I started dating a guy last May. Things where bad about 3 months into the relationship. On the day I decided I was going to stop seeing him, I fell off a mountain and almost died and he was there. The trauma of the event bonded us, and I not only stayed with him, but decided to take our relationship to the next level… we slept together.
To make a long story short, he ended up being a total psycho, who also as a bonus, had herpes, and of course gave it to me! How exciting! It took me months and months to accept this (wait, I’m still trying to accept this). Anyway, after months of being a recluse and hating all men, I date again.
I meet a wonderful man, who decided after lots of research, that he is OK with it. Thing is, he is military and leaving the country this January. Short lived relationship. We were careful during our relationship, and he is clean and clear.
So after that relationship ends, a few months later, I start seeing someone new. I told him last night that I have herpes. He said “First off H* I am sorry for what happened to you, and I know that its no consultation for something that cannot be taken back. I am very glad that you told me, and above all you did the right thing. It shows the person that you really are. As far as us I have to be honest, it is not something that I am very comfortable with. You are a super person H* and I would very much like to keep you as a friend if that’s OK with you??? Let me know, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable or uneasy. If not I wish you the best that life has to offer. I too get depressed on occasion and I always feel a little better knowing that someone in this world is always suffering worse than I am. Your relationship with the guy from the Air Force is positive proof that you will find someone H* I feel like shit, I don’t want to hurt you or make you feel bad”.
I cannot go through this again. I can’t start a relationship knowing I have to have this conversation. One went well, one did not. They all end either way. What do you think?
Why don’t you share your courage with others?
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Yes you can, you just need time to heal and find a guy who isn’t bothered by your diagnosis enough to let you walk out of his life. You just haven’t hit the jackpot yet, but you will.
I agree with the author of Sad Endings. I have had Herpes for about 28 years (yes I am that old) and received it from my wife at the time. I have not learned to live with it and I haven’t learned how to tell others, dates, friends, etc. So I don’t date, I don’t have support, and I will never get into a relationship again. The pain of being alone is a lot less than the embarrassment of having to tell a date, worrying about infecting them even with the best precautions, and the shyness I already have about social settings.
I know how you feel. Diagnosed at 21 (I am now 28). I was with the guy for 6 months, he swore he had been tested. I’ve had several relationships since then. It’s tough, for sure. I haven’t had anyone turn me down after telling them. But sometimes I think that had to do with my choice in men. I have avoided relationships with guys who I was afraid of telling or who I felt wouldn’t handle it well. I met the guy that I’m with now about 2 years ago. There’s no doubt that it sucks, but lots of things suck. This is life. And with all the greatness and beauty there is tragedy and disaster to match. Herpes is not tragic or disastrous. It just sucks, sometimes. My recommendation would be to either try a support group or dating site for people who share your ‘issue’ or just make sure to wait awhile before telling the guy (without having sex of course). For me, with each situation there was a moment where I realized that he was worth telling. You want to be sure that he is someone that you trust, that YOU are sure YOU want to get serious (I didn’t want to just tell every guy I met, only the potential keepers), and that he has gotten to know who you are well enough that he won’t look at you as the walking contagious. You don’t want to wait TOO long or he may feel betrayed. But I think it is fair to wait a month (for example) before spilling your guts to anyone about anything. The silver lining that I have found: before, I was more impulsive and likely to date the wrong guy. I was a good girl, from a good family and from the right side of the tracks but I could get swept up in the moment if you know what I mean. I look at that turn in my life as the moment when I sort of slowed down, took a step back, and said, “Well, like it or not now I have to take it slow and really evaluate who I’m getting involved with” and I think that’s a good thing.
@E, I agree that she hasn’t found the right person yet. Thanks so much for your comment.
@Michael, I hope that one day you will find a place where you realize that you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of.
@Jan, thanks for sharing. I think you’ve given us something to think about and even some positives to go on. Kudos!
I recommend that you take care of yourself first by eating right, getting sufficient rest. Know the things that activates outbreaks and take some kind of suppressant. Use a condom, don’t preform oral sex without protection. I personally believe if you are just dating someone and you are not sure where it is going yet, you dont need to disclose this very persoanl information. I told my boyfriend after 9 months, It was so hard for me and I can’t imagine telling anyone else.
@Keisha, thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your personal experience. I wish more were as open as you are.
This was my story, and I have an update. There is a guy I have known for over a year who has tried to get me to go out with him since I first met him. I refused to date him because we know too many of the same people, and I didn’t want everyone to know I have H. Well, last month I finally went out on a date with him. Had a great time. So we have been seeing each other for a month, and last night we where talking on the phone, and he made a comment that made me feel that I had to tell him I have H. So I told him, and his response was “So”. He was amazing! He said he likes me and all that comes with me. We have not had sex, and probably still won’t for a while, but he trusts me enough to know that I will minimize any risk to him. Thank you all for your support!
Oh I am so happy for you! Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!