How do I overcome this fear?

love

Hi there…I was in touch with you many years ago and you really helped me. It was 2006 and I had found out that I had HSV2. I found out through a blood test, and have never had any symptoms. At the time I had been dating someone that I dearly loved and was afraid of what he would say. However, I knew I had to tell him. You gave me some great advice and were a voice of comfort. Anyway, he took the news fine, and we continued in our relationship for another two years. It didn’t work out, and since then I have had a few more relationships. None of these partners were disturbed by my diagnosis.

Anyway, flash forward to now. I have been single for a bit, and at the beginning of the year I decided to start dating again. I met someone and thought we were really hitting it off. When I told him, he rejected me. It really hurt and was very traumatic. This was the first time I had ever been rejected.

Now I am seeing someone new, and I REALLY like him. We have been on a number of dates and there seems to be a great connection. I can tell he feels the same way. The chemistry is really there, and I know that we are going to need to have this talk. However, I am so very scared now. I will be devastated if he rejects me.

How do I overcome this fear? I know I need to tell him, and I won’t sleep with him without telling him, but I am just deathly afraid now. Any advice?

Thank you so much for all you do!

—Anonymous

11 thoughts on “How do I overcome this fear?

  1. Hi there! The most important thing I think to remember is that fear is false evidence appearing real. You will know the truth about how he feels and what kind of man he is once you talk to him. Bare this in mind, he could have the virus as well and not know. You will be stronger on the other side of your talk with or without him. Hugs!!

  2. HI..sorry for your dilemma. I’ve faced it many times. The last time I had to “tell” someone, I just blurted it out since we had been kissing and so on.Then he said he had it, too! But of course, just blurting it out isn’t the answer. I have told men and rarely got rejected. I would be sure to have lots of information you can impart to him, such as that you take the suppressive supplement pill (do you? if not, why not? It works! Please get some ASAP) and you “know your body,” in that you always know when an OB (outbreak) is trying to happen..you can feel the tingles, etc. Then you know it’s time to abstain from intercourse (but not sex completely…wink). Of course, you must say “there are other things we can do in the meantime.” Also, I suggest you have a couple informative herpes web sites he can look at if he wants more information. You can tell him you were with Mr. X for X number of years, months and he never got herpes. You know to always abstain when there you have even the feelings of a possible outbreak (this is called a prodrome). The more you use the right terminology, the more he will be convinced you’re on the ball, know your body and are looking out for the both of you. Most men are OK with it because they know they are (possibly) going to get “other sexual attention” if you have an OB. And relationships are not all about just sex, of course! I would have a somewhat matter of fact attitude but not overly so. You also want to be sure you’re expressing concern but not to the point of tears and angst all over the place. Put yourself in his shoes having to tell you. How would it sound to you, how would it feel. Since he is so special (lucky you..and I wish you the best), then you know you have to tell him. Make it comfortable in your home. Have a wine (if you do wine) or a “short” drink to relax you both a bit but stay on target and alert. Have a movie to stream to watch afterwards so you have that to divert to. Tell him he can ask you any questions at any time. Also. do you have the Zovirax ointment on hand? If not, why not? You MUST have this at all times. I have “put off” OBs by having the pills (I double up for a couple days and my doctor said it was ok but ask yours’) and I immediately apply the ointment to the suspect area…and I apply it several times a day. Some will say the ointment is only meant for herpes type 1. Well, I have used it for type 2 for many years and all seems wll with me. The ointment IS expensive but I can tell you where to get it for less. If you want to email me, Soytanlee@aol.com. I will be glad to answer any questions or just “listen.” All the best to you…all will be well.

  3. Hi there Anon! I agree with Bonnie. Just take each day as it comes and try to have a positive outlook even though you may be experiencing butterflies or anxiousness deep within yourself. No matter what happens it’s all going to turn out okay. If anything, you are about to find out what this man is made of. No guts, no glory…right? Perhaps you can really take your time in getting to know this man. You just now started seeing him…right? Maybe slow things down a bit but have fun in the process of getting to know one another.

  4. You’ve gotten some really good advice here. Fear has a way of making us linger – the longer you wait, the tougher it gets. To me, rejection is an indication of flaw on their part, not yours. Fate has a funny way of intervening to protect us – especially when you are good and do the right thing. The rejection from the last guy had to happen to get you to the point you are now. I hope it works out well for you and that this guy is smart enough to realize he’s more safe with you and your knowing than he is with a world at large where most don’t know. *hugs*

  5. It’s hard. This I know and remember all too well when I was dating and having to tell people. I have hady fair share of rejections and it was painful. But…. And I know I hate the word “but”; they are what hasade me stronger and sometimes I wondered if I hadn’t been rejected, would that person had been for me?? I’m certain I dodged a bullet a number of times by Gods grace and Him knowing there was reasons for all this that was going on in my life… I will pray for you that He will guide you where you need to be and continue to give you strength…. You have a great head on your shoulders and are strong…. No matter what happens, the best of men, will stay and not be affected by a diagnosis because they will look to you instead of what you have or don’t have. ((Hugs)). I have been with my husband for about 13 yrs now and God knew what he was doing…. And he’ll do the same for you.

  6. Anonymous, tons of GREAT suggestions and I hope you feel encouraged to have that talk. Let us know how it goes (or how it went). No matter the outcome, it’s the RIGHT outcome.

  7. Hello Friends!

    I am “Anonymous”. I haven’t yet discussed it with him, but I think I will soon. We haven’t slept together yet. Here is another question. I don’t feel like I should say anything until I really know what direction this relationship is heading. If he believes that this could lead to something significant, then fine. If he feels that he is not really ready to make this exclusive, then no I won’t say anything. A friend I talked with wondered if I should tell him because that might contribute to his decision. I guess my thoughts on that are as follows. If that contributes to his decision, then I don’t want to have a long term relationship with him. I think that if he wants this to be something, well then he should know it regardless of that. Anyway, I ramble. Thoughts?

  8. Thanks for all the advice. I am in the same position. I have not told anyone about my condition. Just don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me or treating me different. I met someone that I like and I know I have to do something. I usually just make up a reason for why we can’t work and leave it at that. I don’t want to give anyone the option to reject me. Hope I figure something. Out soon.

  9. Hi all:
    I’m terrified…but some how don’t feel like I deserve to be. I entered into a relationship knowing full well my partner had it. He was/is on daily suppressive therapy. I thought I had educated myself but I was irresponsible. Some how…I thought it was ok to go without condoms once or twice….that was enough. I’m scared. I feel worthless. I feel diseased. I’m not sure what to do and I feel like no one will ever be willing to take the risk to be with me ever again. I feel stupid. I feel like my heart tricked my brain. Don’t get me wrong…I really do take personal responsibility. I fucked up. But now…i’m getting what I deserved I guess. My bf is supportive but I feel like i’m flalling and two seconds from crying every day (I found out on Monday). Any advice would be appreciated.

  10. Hello All. So Sorry it has taken me awhile to respond again. I wanted to let you know that I did tell the man I was seeing, and guess what…it was a blip. Seriously. He said he had dated someone in the past with herpes, and it was not big deal. He knew all about it, and everything has been great. The upside to this was that I realized that the man that rejected me originally was not the norm. Most people are mature enough to educated themselves and don’t react like this original man did. I am quite relieved and actually now know that if I ever have to tell someone again, the odds are very much in my favor that he will handle it well.

    Please to those last few posts above….know you are worthy of someone that cares.

  11. Thanks so much for coming back and letting us all know how things turned out for you! You’re absolutely correct—rejection because of herpes is not the norm. When someone rejects you they are showing you a little something about who they are and it’s not really you.

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