Having herpes does not mean your worth is less

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I read about the herpes whitlow on this site and towards the end it asked for someone’s story or symptoms.

I’m now 33 yrs old and I was diagnosed with genital herpes at 19 yrs old. I wish we had had smartphones back then, a better way to research the virus and connect with others who also had it.

Let me express how AWFUL it was leading up to my diagnosis. Being as usually the first few breakouts can be the worst. (Which I didn’t know at the time) My symptoms started out as a urinary tract infection.

Although painful, I knew that some meds would do the trick and I’d be back to normal in a few days. Boy was I wrong. The pain didn’t cease in fact it steadily got worse. I couldn’t make it to work and peeing became a nightmare. My mom picked me up and we went to the ER. Because it such a severe urinary tract infection it was suspected I may have an STD. It’s been so long now I can’t exactly remember what they did, I think they swabbed my genitals and I believe they were testing for chlamydia. The strange part is one of the doctor’s mentioned the possibility of herpes, but obviously didn’t test me for it. Since I didn’t have chlamydia I was sent home in basically the same condition as I had came in.

Days were torture. I finally went to see a doctor. I think since the ER couldn’t or didn’t help me I didn’t think a doctor’s office visit could reap results. It was a female doctor and I sat there telling her my symptoms. My mom was in the room as well. And as the doc was writing down my symptoms I mentioned the ER doctor mentioning herpes and she stopped writing, and looked up at me with a concerned look on her face. A few minutes later, after a quick exam of my genitals, she confirmed I had herpes. A wave of shame and sadness swept over me and I remember my mom looking so sad for me. Even as I’m writing this now and recalling that day I am brought to tears.

The doctor gave me a few free samples of Zovirax. At the time I was uninsured and there wasn’t a generic med on the market for herpes. Within a day of taking the meds I was feeling so much better. Unfortunately the breakouts were frequent. For awhile I was able to get free samples until I moved down to TN. I didn’t have a car to get to the doctor and I didn’t have insurance so when I got a breakout it was HELL. The itching was maddening. I know this is going to sound gross but I want to be painfully honest to thoroughly explain my story. I would wear a thick pad and when the itching would become intolerable, and cold water and soap wasn’t sufficing, I would rub the pad vigorously on my privates which probably only exacerbated the situation, however it did bring some relief. The breakouts were so frequent my mom was kind enough to buy me a prescription of Zovirax (no refills) that cost her about $200. Eventually I was able to get to the pharmacy and buy a few at a time. It was awful. I believe $35 got me like 7 pills.

Besides the physical agony of herpes I was mentally fighting demons everyday. I felt like a leper. Whenever I was out in public I would look at people and know that I was DIFFERENT. I caught herpes from sex, although I never knew which lucky guy passed it on to me.

Promiscuity definitely aided in my illness. How would I ever be able to find someone who was willing to have sex with me again?? If I ever got pregnant would it affect my baby?

For years and years I went without meds. Eventually the breakouts became infrequent, but one time I had a full blown breakout and googled home remedies. There was some ridiculous concoction you were to rub into your genitals. It consisted of the over the counter cold sore medicine Abreeva and night time Tylenol cold medicine, in pill form. You mashed the pill into the Abreeva and rubbed it on your privates. It brought some relief although I suspect it was due more to the Abreeva than the cold medicine.

Even though the genital outbreaks were infrequent, the outbreaks that were frequent appeared on the palm of my right hand or on my right thigh. Jeans and band aids could help shield the thigh outbreaks, but the pain was awful. The palm of my right hand was the worst though. I’m right handed. Before a well formed blister appears a tingling and itching sensation would let me know trouble was on the way. Within a few hours little red bumps would appear, these would turn into the blisters but at first they’re just hard little bumps that hurt and itch. Sometimes I could actually help cease the outbreak by constantly applying rubbing alcohol to the area and of course it would over-dry the area, but again, sometimes it helped.

Through the internet, over the years, I’ve been able to do my own research on the virus. For a long time I was ashamed of myself for the stigma associated with the virus. And of course there are the jokes about herpes, and honestly, at this point in my life I can even get a good giggle out of a herpes joke. And since I’m not out announcing my situation then the jokes aren’t directed AT me. Let me assure you though, years ago when the word herpes came up, or a joke, I would get an awful, depressed feeling. Time helps heal these wounds.

Throughout the years I had close friends confide in me that they had the virus. What few friends I confided in, well they ended up telling a few other friends and I was devastated. These people are still my friends today, after long conversations they convinced me they only told another person because that person had it and felt bad. I found this to be true. The ones who found out I had it had gone through terribly sad days just like me.

I have a daughter now. She’s almost two years old. Early in my pregnancy I had a breakout on my thigh. For precautions I was put on acyclovir twice a day during pregnancy. After discussing it with my doctor I felt completely confident having a vaginal delivery. I was not in a breakout, and hadn’t had one in many months. My delivery went perfect. The baby is fine.

These days I take acyclovir once a day, unless I’m having a breakout. If anyone has done their research then they know a series of things can lead up to a breakout. Stress, heat, your period, even sexual contact when there are no symptoms, or when your immune system is fighting a cold can contribute to a breakout. I have a big exam in a few weeks, I’m a bit stressed over it and I woke up this morning with my palm hot and itchy. The pain has gotten worse over the day so I took my second acyclovir pill a few hours ago. I will take 2 a day for the next 6 days.

I would love to help counsel people who suffer with this virus. I have come to accept my body and it’s imperfections, but that’s only my journey and it took years of depression and physical pain and finally overcoming all that and realizing that I’m not broken. If only I had had some comfort when I was first diagnosed.

People need to know that even though they may have herpes, that does not mean their worth is less. They can still have relationships, and kids, and friends.

—Brandy

Photo Credit: Pinterest Pin

Learning to cope with herpes

Hi! I just read your blog “19 and a virgin”, and I just wanted to share my story, because i just had a very similar happening, except I was 18.

Back in May of 2011, I became in a relationship with the guy of my dreams. He was the sweetest, most handsome guy, I had ever met. I was 17 when we started dating, and he was 21. This was my first serious relationship. Up until this point, i had never even kissed a guy! I’ve always been a shy girl, and he helped me get out of my little comfort
zone, and that’s one of the things I liked about him.

He was in the army, a very clean cut, respectable man. At least that’s what he made me think. Let’s just say, he was very good at manipulating me, and making me believe every word that came out of his mouth.

This is a very drama filled story, so be prepared!

He had his ex-girlfriend pregnant. So throughout our realtionship, I had to deal with all kinds of baby mamma drama. She was not a fan of me, seeing as I “stole her babies father”. Besides the baby mamma drama, our relationship was amazing. I never thought I could truly love somebody, as much as I loved him. I couldn’t see myself with anybody else.

About a month after we got together, we had sex. Not really the time frame I preferred, I wanted to wait, so that way I knew it meant something to him, as well, and not just me. Mind you, my ex had had sex with just about 40 girls at this time. Yes, I shoulda known better, but I didn’t. He said he had recently been tested by the army, because they do yearly std checks. Seeing as it was the army, I believed him, of course.

I only agreed to have sex this early in our relationship, if he promised, that things wouldn’t change after the fact. He did. But things did change..

After this, we were having sex on a daily basis. ALWAYS protected, even though I was on the pill. There was 1 time, we had unprotected sex. But our relationship started spirling downwards. He started treating me badly, started lying, rolled his eyes at me everytime I made him say “I love you” back. It was awful. But being the person I am, I delt with it, and ignored all the obvious signs in front of my face.

In late July, I found stuff down in my “area” that was not normal. This was about 2 weeks after we had unprotected sex, and I was scared. I had my mom make me an appointment with my doctor.

I went and got checked out, and my doctor told me that she was almost positive, that it was herpes, but that she would test it, just to make sure. I left that doctors office, with a prescription for “valtrex”. I texted my boyfriend, and confronted him. I was embarrassed, I felt dirty. I couldn’t believe this would happen to me, of all people. Why did i deserve this?

We talked about it, and he swore up and down, that he never cheated, and I wanted to believe him, but I didn’t. But also made him think I believed him. I was in love. Love makes you do stupid things.

About 2 weeks later, my doctor called me, and confirmed that I was infected with the HSV 2 virus. I was devestated. I cried, and cried, and cried. I’ve never been an emotional person, but it was traumatizing to someone who was only 18!

My boyfriend told me, that he doesn’t have it, and that he has never had any symptoms, or outbreaks. He was coming up with every excuse in the book, to make himself feel better. Which I found humorous, because he HAD to of given it to me. There was no other way.

A month went by, and he broke up with me. I think i was more devastated when he broke up with me, than I was when I found out I had herpes. I went into a full blown, deep depression. I ended up losing 40lbs. I didn’t want to do anything.

The day after we broke up, all the truth came out.

I found out that he cheated on me with 3 girls. 1 of them, being his baby mamma! With finding this out, I knew how I got the herpes for sure.

A couple months went by, and I started talking to someone new. I eventually told them I had herpes. I was so scared, but the reaction he gave me, was unbelievable! He had no problem with it what so ever! I was so relieved!

Our relationship didn’t last, because he’s in the marines, and is stationed 650 miles away from me. But his family lives were i live, and I’m still very close to them.

To this day my boyfriend that gave me herpes, still denies that he has it, and won’t go get tested. We still talk from time to time. I don’t hate him anymore, I’m mature enough to see that people make mistakes, and I moved on.

I was so relieved to see your story, and to see that I’m not the only one this has happened to! I’m still learning to cope with having herpes. its hard, but its getting better, day by day. I hope you enjoyed my story, and hope to hear back from you!

Thanks for reading :)

–Anonymous

Stay Amazing!

Hello, my name is C, and I’ve had herpes since the summer of 1987, at age 22.

I’ve been a member of PUP for a long time – over 5 years, I think. I mostly read, sometimes comment when inspired, and feel I have something positive to contribute. My heart aches for each and every new member who finds their way to this group, while simultaneously feeling relieved they were able to make it here to us! We have some of the most amazing moderators and knowledgeable contributors anywhere, people dedicated to educating, directing, advising, soothing, and just plain listening.

When I was first diagnosed, there was no such thing as the internet. The doctor gave me my diagnosis, gave me zovirax ointment, and told me to urinate in a tub of warm water. I think he gave me a pamphlet that said I had to tell prospective sexual partners, but that part is fuzzy. The only people I told was my one girlfriend who drove me to the doctor, and my cheating boyfriend. I never discussed it with either of them ever again. Over the years, my mother came to know – we don’t talk about it. I have one girlfriend I told when I was pregnant, only because she was my birthing coach – we don’t discuss it. The father of my daughter, well he had HSV2 already, and beyond the first “telling,” we didn’t discuss it. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for over 5 years, and I told him before we were intimate, and we’ve talked about it in passing 3 or 4 times over the years (he’s still negative).

I guess my point is that I don’t talk about having herpes, to anyone, other than on PUP. Over the past 23 years, I never talked to anyone about how it really made me feel – like everyone here at some point – ashamed, dirty, useless, unworthy, despondent, desperate, lonely, afraid, sad, angry, pathetic, etc. I’ve come to terms with my H over the years, have it all straight in my head, and it’s mostly a non-issue for me. I don’t hate the giver. I don’t like having H, but don’t have regrets that make me morose. It’s such a minute part of who I am.

I find it very neat that so many of you have friends you can talk to about how you feel about having herpes. You’re SO incredibly lucky to have them, and to have found PUP. If some of you are like I was, and don’t really feel like you have the sort of friendships that can support you during this difficult time, please come here often to get the encouragement you need to make it through your days.

Hugs all around!
Stay Amazing!

–C

Your Life Is What You Make It

I was diagnosed in October of last year just a month before my 19th birthday. I know the thought of being single and alone is so ridiculously terrifying because we are young and there shouldn’t be anything stopping us from going out and conquering the world (and all those boys lol). But you just have to look at this as a built in security net. If you are interested in a guy and he doesn’t want to be with you because of a skin condition then he is a jerk! I promise you that in the end, you will be saving yourself a lot of heartache by knowing that right in the beginning before you even sleep with him.

The most important thing to remember is that your life is not over. As hard as it seems, the best thing I ever did was embracing H as a life experience and accepting that it makes me a BETTER person and not a WORSE one. I was confident in the fact that I had it. I know one other person that has H. None of my friends did at the time. I started talking to them about it and acting like it was no big deal because it isn’t! They would say, “Don’t you feel weird that you have it?” and I would always reply back “No! Why would I?”

You can change the perception of H just by how your attitude is. My best friend found out that she had been exposed to H by a dirt-bag that hadn’t even bothered to tell her that she had it. She called me when she found out and said that if she did have it, she knew it was going to be okay because of how I had lived my life since finding out I had it.

It might take you a little time but I promise that you will come to terms with this. Here I am, almost a year later and I’m 8 1/2 months pregnant with my first child.
My boyfriend is a great guy who I have been with for a year and half (he does
not have H, BTW). Your life is what you make it! This little germ does not make you who you are!

–Shauna

Getting Pregnant

Hi I have so many questions but have no Safe place to ask. Even my GYN gives me no hope for a herpes free future. Can you help me? I’ve just recently fallen in love with someone who has Herpes. We have not been sexually active. We have however, discussed children. My question is; how can I conceive without risking myself? Is invitro possible and the only route? I want to have his child and I would like to have our first child naturally. Is this possible?

Your GYN gave you know words of wisdom? Your GYN gave you no hope at all? Did your GYN offer to have you tested for herpes to see if you had it? Do you know your status?

Many people still do not understand that Herpes Testing is not part of the routine STD testing process. You go on in life thinking that you are free and clear and negative of all sexually transmitted diseases but reality says that you don’t really know for sure. The next time you talk to your doctor let he/she know that you would like to have routine STD Testing done. When they agree to that tell them you would like to know exactly which diseases they will be testing you for. Make a list so that you can then ask about the ones that are not included in their testing. Every doc’s office tests for different things so you have to ask. You can not just assume you are free and clear.

When you love somebody you LOVE them. I understand you want to make a future with the one that you love. So you are in the stage where you are discussing marriage, children and your future. You can still have all of these things with the one you Love. You just have to take it one-day-at-a-time and try to do things in order not out-of-order. Right now you are asking questions.. that’s good.

Your partner having herpes doesn’t change what you would do if your partner didn’t have herpes. You can have sex like you normally would. You can get pregnant like you normally would. You can have babies like you normally would. Life Goes On!

As far as I know my husband doesn’t have genital herpes. I’m the one with genital herpes. He has oral herpes due to a history of cold sores and fever blisters but most people out there have that anyway. It’s the same thing really.. just a different location. Back when we were very serious about our relationship while we were dating, we then became engaged, and began planning our wedding and for our future. I was always worried about him contracting the virus. He finally sat me down and told me that if he wound out contracting it from me then so be it. If it meant he got to have me in his life for the rest of our lives he did not care.

Ultimately when you love somebody and you are planning your future you are basically saying that you love them unconditionally. You would move mountains to be with that person and they having herpes would not keep you from being with them.

If you love this guy like you say you do then this will not be a problem. There are many things that he can do to keep you from contracting herpes. For example: He could go on suppressive therapy. Suppressive therapy reduces outbreak frequency and Asymptomatic Shedding. Suppressive therapy reduces transmission and has been proven to do so by 50%. That was the result of a clinical study that was done in the fall of 2003. If you are that uncomfortable with the possibility that one day you may contract the virus then you can throw a condom into that mix but honestly.. when you love somebody none of that really matters. The two of you can do what you think is best for your relationship and at the same time you have to know that no matter what you decide you are taking a risk.

You have to ask yourself.. how much do you love him? No matter what you decide there is always going to be a chance that you will contract something. You take that risk every time you have sex with somebody even if it’s protected sex.

You can get married, you can have babies, you can have your babies naturally… that’s with or without herpes in the equation. I do a lot of talking about this over on my Herpes Biography. Hope that helps.

Oh and if you have contacted me to ask a question via my Feedback Page then you do realize that I will take your random questions and post them on The Blog along with my response. I do this to help others that might be having the same type of questions. If you have more questions please visit our online support group Shut Up and Post! STD Message Board!

Tales From Down Under

My name is Bek, I’m 16 and I have Genital Herpes. I lost my virginity at the age of 15, becoming sexually active is meant to a big journey in one’s life, some girls don’t become sexual active until after marriage, which I reckon is pretty awesome. I always wanted to wait until I was either married or in a serious relationship except I was unsure because I had never had a boyfriend before. I was ugly as a young girl; I was always the girl that the boys made fun of. Well because of that from year seven onwards I became aware of the appearance, I started to dye my hair, wearing tons of make up, eating healthy and exercising.

I’m currently in year ten; I have heaps of lovely and caring friends but only my closest friends are aware of that I have genital herpes. Losing my virginity was a life changing experience and a half. To fully understand the importance of the love that your friends have for you, you need to experience something that is unexpected and unwanted.

I was raised in a single mum household, my mum is tight when it comes to guys, and she has never said that I can not have a boyfriend but she gets weird when I mention anything about my friends that are guys. So guys and sex talk in my household does not happen. His name was Brad; his family’s holiday place is next to my family’s holiday place. It was the Christmas holidays 2008-2009, Brad was 20 and ok I recognize he was not the best looking guy in the world, but he was the first guy to look at me as a girl and not one of the boys. We became friends with benefits, then a few days after he asked me out. Brad was the first guy to ever say those words “will you go out with me”; he made me feel special and a guy who actually liked me.

Before Brad’s and my relationship became sexual, I was a virgin, never been fingered, given or received oral sex actually never had seen a real penis. It was a learning experience. I’m one of them exercise freaks, I wont have a good day unless I get at less one hour worth of exercise a day. Well ten months ago this was still the case; I would get up at 5 am and go for a jog along the beach which I have done for years, while me and Brad were together he would come with me. My jogs are the only times that I am alone from my sisters and mum. We would jog to make out couch which was an old couch which was dumped on a headland; it was so beautiful the outlook over the ocean.

Being a virgin meant new experience, the first time I performed oral sex on brad I throw up all over him, he told me it was normal not to enjoy performing oral sex for the first time. It is just it tasted and smelt so terrible. Brad was a lot older than me (five years) and he had been sexually active for years before me.

On the 26th January 2009 (Australian Day) at 5.30am Brad and I had sex after 5 days of going out with him. I didn’t really enjoy it, it kind of hurt, and it was not what I expected, and I thought it would be like what it is like on TV like screaming orgasms. While we were having sex he kept asking me “Bek are you sure you wanna do this?” “Do you want me to stop?” I thought he was being caring and loving but the reality was he was just trying to make sure that I was conceding to having sex with him. A few days previous he had told me about his last girlfriend she was the same age as me, the reason for them breaking up was because she got pregnant and her parents found out she was sleeping with a 20 year old, she was scared to face up to what she had done so she cried rape.

It was understandable why brad made me say any times had with him I was conceding to the sexual activities. But I wonder did he rape, this guy I barely know, and what I did know he displayed this kind of faulty play dishonest nature and a pushy feeling, looking back on this event I believe brad has it in him to forces a girl to perform sexual activities, well he did pressured and pressured into the sexual activities until I had gave in.

Anyways after we had sex, we got dressed, and as he pulled out his little note book as he said “thanks for the root”, I gave him a funny look along with a fake smile and said “what you doing”, as he reply my gut felt to ground as he said “just marking off another tally” that little note book was his tallies of how many girls he had rooted, he gives a rating out of 10 and a smiley face if he would re-root them or a sad face if he would not. I ask him if all I was another mark on his tally, he said “of course not I love you Bek”. Yeah for same reason I didn’t believe him.

Two weeks later I realize that something was wrong, my vagina was really itchy, and then the painful blisters came. I could not do any thing I was in so much pain. I had heard that some girls have an allergic reaction from the natural rubber latex and at first I thought that was what was wrong, I told me best friend that something was wrong, we started to look through a book called “Girl stuff – your full on guide to the teen years” by Kaz Cooke. In the STIs section as we read over every single type of sexually transmitted infections as soon as I started to read the info about Genital Herpes I knew it had it.

The day after I rang Brad, he claimed that I already had the virus and that I have passed it on to him. I know for a fact I didn’t have it before because I had never been sexually active before him. Then he did admit that yes he DID have herpes umm shows his inelegance level because herpes can not be cure nor is there a vaccine to prevent the virus. I went to the doctors and he conform that brad had infected me with herpes.

It has been ten months since I had caught the virus. I still have not have had another boyfriend but that is by choice I feel I have not found the right guy yet. But I have had sex with other guys but I always make sure it is safe and that they have been tested for any STIs. (see note below) The last ten months have been hell, the 26th of each month is torture I break down and seriously feel like I will be nothing but the girl with herpes. People have asked me if I could take it back would I? Truthfully I would not want to take back this big mistake that is because I have grown up so much; I believe that I will able to encourage other girls to love themselves and never do something that they do not want to do.

I use sex to make me feel better about myself, I still don’t enjoy sex, it feels good but I have not found that special guy who will make sex amazing. I believe sex is a personal choice; some girls may want to experience losing their virginity earlier than others. I have a low sense of self I use sex to make my self-esteem elevated. Every guy had I have had sex with I have regretted.

I do not tell people that I have the virus ‘Genital Herpes’. (see note below) At first when I first got infected with this STI, I thought it was no big deal I will go the doctors get the tablets and everything would be fixed. Well herpes is not easily fixed; herpes is a virus that if you catch you carry it with you for the rest of your life. I am one of those girls who can’t wait to be a mum. And having genital herpes I can not give birth naturally, so when I am older and i am pregnant I have to tell my doctor that I have herpes to avoid passing the virus on to my baby.

The mistakes that I have made I am going to carry with me for the rest of my life. I hope I will found that special guy who will love me even though I have a sexually transmitted virus. Herpes is very, very common, one in eight people have the virus and one in seven girls have it. So any body that does have any STIs should not be ashamed. I was ashamed, I thought because I have a STI I am a slut, but the truth is that anybody can catch a STI, I was unlucky and caught Herpes my first time. Do not make the same mistake, make sure you are safe and do not get pressured into having sex.

Hi. This story was sent in by a gal from Australia that wanted me to share her story with you. If you  have a story that you would like me to share you are welcome to contact me.

I just wanted to let those reading know that if you have genital herpes you can still have a healthy baby without having a C-section. Having herpes doesn’t automatically mean you will have to have a C-section. You can have a vaginal delivery and the baby can be safe. You just have to know your status and talk to your doctor about it by the time you find out that you are pregnant. Thanks!

I just wanted to add to this post that it is NOT ok to have sex w/somebody w/out telling them that you have the virus. You do have a moral obligation to sit down with them and have a talk about what it is that you have BEFORE you  have sex. Condoms are NOT 100% effective at preventing STDS. They have a right to listen to what you have to say. Be prepared to answer questions if they have any and remember it’s not just about YOUR situation. You should insist that they be tested too. In the end it’s either going to work itself out relationally or not. Remember, having herpes does not define who you are and it’s not the end of your sex life. Always be honest with your partners!

Suffering And Staying Positive

Seeing many people out there suffering & staying positive, it inspired me to write my tragic story so that others who are the victim may get inspired too. I say tragic because the emotional pain I went through is much more painful than the virus.

I got married 6 yrs ago. I noticed blisters type in the private part during my pregnancy. Doc said it is herpes without any testing. I refused to believe and lived in denial for a year.

It got worse and at the same time my marriage breaking up due to so many silly reasons. Naive as I am, I initially thought that it was just a kind of irritation that women get especially during period. But when my loving hubby who promised me moon before the marriage stopped sleeping with me, I realized it is something serious and I got it tested but from wrong doctors again (gyn).

After several visits to doctors & testings, I could got it right. Like any other infected person, I got shocked, ashamed and even angry at myself. The worse part is that I dont know how I got it & when exactly. I started my medication & by taking care of myself, the outbreaks became lessor except for small irritation once in a while which do not worry me much. I’m basically a woman who dont get frighten easily by anything.

What I want to point out here is that my hubby started fighting with me for all wrong reasons and even stopped sleeping with me. To make it worse he throw accusation on my face every time we argue that he got it from me. But what I dont understand is that he is the first one who showed me the red spot on his penis.

I honestly dont know who contracted whom but I dont care even if I got it from him. I only want a cure if there is any and if there is no cure than remedies.

I would still love him even if I got from him but unfortunately he seems to stopped loving me. He has even started cheating on me. We have not sleep together for the past five years and he even refuse to talk to me. Now we are like a total strangers even at home. No one can imagine the emotional turmoil and mental harassment I gone through, in these past five years. The only beautiful thing that happened to me in these hard period of my life is my beautiful son. He brightens my life and keep me going. I feel suicidal at times not because of herpes virus because my hubby refuse to even touch me because of the disease (as though he is not having).

I am a christian and as a strong believer I ask God to make me strong and give me energy & also tolerance to bear it all.

His rudeness, his accusations, his unfaithfulness & my mental tension due to the virus is driving me crazy. But God is great! He gives me strength to bear and motivates me too.

Today my marriage on the verge of break up & I have even told my husband to leave me if he so scared of the disease because I know without making love, there will be hardly any compassion or care for each other. I also know he will cheat me again if we keep going like this which I cannot tolerate any more.

As for me, I want to live life as any normal person and not bogged down by getting guilty because of disease nor do I like any one reminding me. yeah! He let me feel guilty by not sleeping with me and making me feel dirty at my self. But in reality I feel it is not something you have to worry so much about.

I would rather say am happy because it is not AIDS/HIV or cancer. I am also happy because through this emotional & physical pain I have become closer to God and today I can proudly say that God is with me and he inspires me in everything I do. If its God’s will he will even heal me one day for good.

Lastly I would like to thank all of you out there for inspiring me with your stories.

God bless.

Love rose

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