Today I was sitting down thinking to myself wow, I love my life. I love my friends, family
- even the little things around me like sleeping in soft comfortable sheets or my favorite movie unexpectedly on
Just a few months ago it seemed like I lived in this
bleak lonely world with such a dreary outlook on life. Unfortunately during that time, adding to the troubles I already felt I had
- I had my first outbreak at the age of 23. It was devastating.
I was visiting family at the time, and there was no way that I could show them I was in pain or that anything was wrong. I was confused about what was going on. I was never promiscuous, in fact I was a virgin until I was 22. I really had no idea what
herpes was, just that it was an std and I definitely did not want it. I thought it was something that was rare, came and just disappeared. Well, I found out the hard way that this virus is very common, and is with you for life.
I waited a while in denial before I got a blood test. I confronted the guy I had been with prior to the outbreak, he claimed he didnít have anything. Till this day I donít know if he was telling the truth. I chose to forget about him and not waste my time on blame or anger. The damage had already been done, and I realized the faster I deal with it and acknowledge it the quicker I would be able to live my life again.
Donít get me wrong, there were nights I cried myself to sleep, nights where I would think back to everything that led up to my present situation that could have been changed. I used to sit in my room thinking
- how one mistake changed the course of my life. Eventually I was tired of dealing with
all of this alone, and started telling the closest people in my life. I felt it was practice, to say it out loud, to see the reaction I would get from people who loved me. Amazingly, each person I told
- never once judged me. Some laughed and said they had a scare and knew it was no big deal, others consoled me and gave me strength. Some even admitted to having herpes themselves. Each time I just felt like a piece of me was being put back together. I didnít tell everyone, just those I knew would be there for me.
My worst fear has yet to come true. No one has run for the hills screaming what a slut I must be, or give me a disgusted look and treat me as though I had the plague. It may happen one day, possibly with someone I care deeply for, but I know what I am today, and it is a far better person than I was before this change occurred in my life. Iíve learned to appreciate everything in my life. I know now that wasting time wallowing in self pity when there is nothing really wrong in your life is selfish in a way. I would take the worst day I felt I had prior to this, and re-do it if it meant not having this virus. But hindsight is 20/20, and you cannot go back in time.
Now my only option is to embrace what happened to me, and try to be positive. I feel it is a reminder, to appreciate every person who has been there for me, and a renewed hope that true love may exist. The kind of love that looks passed a simple obstacle like herpes. This is the gift I have received from this experience. Live your life, take chances. YOU ARE NOT DYING. You are a fully functioning human being, who received a second chance at life. TRULY live it, see the good in people. You now have the opportunity to be surprised by the kindness and acceptance of human nature.
I donít know if I will be alone or if I will find someone who will see this as I do. But I do know the path I was leading before, was full of unhappiness, and negativity. Today, through it all I can honestly say I am happy. I refuse to let this miniscule thing run my life. I am an amazing person with so much to offer.
Work on yourself. Work on being happy, and everything will fall into place. Love comes in many forms, recognizing it, and reciprocating it is what helps you keep going. There are good days and bad days but
this letter to myself helps me remind me of the good days and that if I feel bad sometimes
its just a phase.