I contracted Herpes when I was about 17-18... It is sad that my memory is so awful.. Although I was never one to sleep around casually, I did sometimes meet someone and decide after a few dates that I wanted to get intimate.. You have to remember that this was 85-86, so although HIV and AIDS were just being discussed above a whisper, condoms were just for when you thought about getting pregnant or if you forgot the pill. The person I believe I got it from was someone who was drifting through town. He was living with his brother and sister in law and from what I recall had a wife somewhere in VA. We dated, slept together and then it was over.. for some reason I keep thinking he went back to his wife in VA but I am not sure what happened.. It was good and then it was over.. or so I thought.

I remember that I had to do a debate paper on abortion for a class my senior year.. I had to be prepared to argue both for and against so I think I must have looked up every article and book in our local library.. yes this was way before the internet so I was doing it the old fashioned way .. During my research I had went off a couple tangents (as I am still prone to do).. and had ran across some info on STDS and saw the pics of all the different kinds.. So when the first outbreak happened I knew .. I got a mirror and (thankfully?? I guess) it was a classic big zit looking thing that felt like the devil's own fire had found a separate residence from hell.. So I knew but went into immediate denial to a point.. I was very careful to never have sex when I was in an outbreak but I didn't know then that the prodomes ere as sign of shedding.. I thought that as long as I couldn't see them I was fine.. I ended up passing it on to 2 people.. one turned out to be a control freak that almost wrecked my life in all way imaginable and the other was just a good guy that I hurt in ways I cant imagine..

Anyway in '89, an old boyfriend I had been keeping track of called me out of the blue.. He was in the Army in Kansas and was coming home.. would I like to see him ... why yes I would.... at the time the control freak was still trying to come back into my  life but I was not having that.. So the old boyfriend comes home and we talk....I can remember sitting in his mom's basement and knowing I had to tell him...This was actually the first guy I had ever been with at a way to early age and  I knew I had to tell him before we went any further.. I asked him to hold my hand and then had a couple of false starts.. finally I told him what I knew and he said it was ok and we could work around that. So after his 2 week leave we left from NC together to go back to Kansas...

Fast forward about 13 1/2 years.. we have had 2 children, both c sections but not due to the herpes.. the first child Briar was just too smart or something, he couldn't get under the pubic bone to make his great entrance... between him and the youngest, Ryan , I lost a child at 7 myths pregnant and delivered him vaginally. The OB GYN was almost in tears because it seems my little bone doesn't get soft in the middle and separate.. I am solid bone and he was scared that he would have to do a c section to deliver David (the son I lost due to the umbilical cord wrapping around his neck) but he did deliver him and told me that we now knew I could not deliver vaginally... no way no how...

Anyway, problems in marriage not due at all to herpes (except that maybe I stayed because I always believed he was such a good guy for accepting me with it) finally took their toll and we separated in November of 2002... I was coasting waiting on him to straighten up and fly right when he decided to meet a sweetie 2 hours away and move in with her and start making babies... so now I was definitely going to be single... EEEKK... this was the one thing I just couldn't deal with... but now I remember that I was still in the 80's mindset and info on herpes...

Here is my public confession, I am sure I passed it to someone before I knew about the prodomes shedding and atypical shedding... I was 3 months into my separation and was just wanting to feel like I was a normal desirable woman... we dated a few times and never actually did the deed proper but there was enough skin to skin contact to transmit and I was tingling... form the last date it was almost 2 weeks with e-mail and calls and he finally sent me an e-mail saying he was dealing with a mess in his life and he couldn't see me any more... if I was a bigger woman and knew what I know now I would have went to his house in sack clothes and asked his forgiveness... but I just put it down to him and his ex having problems (which they were) or him just needing space... SO my advice is to tell and tell before you get to the heavy breathing and petting part... because you never know where it might end up stopping or how fast it can go when it does happen...

So since then I have dated both H and non H men... and told them... not the easiest thing to do but it has to be done... and soon I will have to sit my 18 year old stepson down (who is still a virgin as far as I know) and tell him the facts of herpes in life... he is away in the army and I know how those free weekends can affect a man... I was married to his dad... lol... but here is a caveat... even if you both have herpes, it doesn't mean that every single thing is in sync with your life... I dated a guy who had herpes last year for a month (I actually gave him a sheet of paper on "telling a friend" and left the room... I come back... he says its fine... I have it too) but he couldn't deal with living my kids and his too... so the greater imposition was not the herpes but the room in his heart...

Now  I keep links to Picking Up The Pieces, and ASHA's sites on my public profile... on Yahoo... I tell anyone I chat with more than a couple of times to go and look at the links and realize this is both a part of my studies as a Social Worker and a part of my life... so far I have a few say no they can't deal and we still talk every now and then... some said they could but when we met face to face there wasn't any sparks at all... so here in the here and now, I have just met someone... we talked on the phone for an hour or more and then he says why don't you come down to the job site tomorrow... you sound so sweet... I told him to go to my profile and to decide what he thought... he drove me crazy at the end wanting to know what but I couldn't bring myself to do it... so the next day on the second visit to the  job site... (the first I learned out to make a closet out of an open space ) he starts being sweet and saying how unusual I am... he couldn't believe I had enjoyed the whole home improvement first meeting... I say, there are some things you don't know... he says yeah I went to the sites and did some reading and then he says (he is so right brained ya'll... he actually understands statistics and all kinds of math) "well by the statistics, even though I have never had any signs, it is possible if not probable I already have one kind or the other " so I tell him what I know now about transmission and suppression and the chances of transmission between a positive and negative person... and he is so like ok and even tells me something about him that is more a vanity thing than anything else and I cant say what because he said that he wanted to share something personal with me after I had opened up... how far will it go... don't know... he is a great guy and I think I could care for him a great deal... but I do think I will want him to get tested to make sure... probably both of us need the whole battery of tests before we even start to get near that point... whatever we have and know about we can deal with and move on...

Please don't let this virus control your life... it doesn't make you a better or worse person... it only makes you the same person you are with herpes... be thankful it isn't life threatening or God forbid terminal.. You will survive and be stronger for surviving... and you will eventually find the someone who is waiting for you just around the corner... don't let the social thinking or stigma of this virus slow you down... he or she is waiting oh so patiently for you to turn the corner... and It may be sooner or later... but find them with an open heart and mind... and be thankful for every day that you wake up (you are not dead), see the sun (you are not blind), hear the morning noise (you are not deaf) and walk (you are not lame) to the window and see people walking around and living. You have a wonderful opportunity to be a positive in a world that seems so negative... you don't have to be trumpet what you have or know to the world but you may find that you have a strength in you that someone else doesn't think they have...

Live well, Love well and be Thankful to a Great Designer who loves us much more than we love ourselves or others...

God Bless,

Carmen