I hope this will help someone else

I am a 26 year old female living in Florida. I was diagnosed with genital HSV1 in July of 2002. At the time I was diagnosed I have to admit, I knew about herpes, but obviously not enough. I was in a relationship on and off for about 5 years. He is a very nice guy but we were just not meant to be. We broke up and I started to date a younger guy who I knew I didn't have a future with and that was probably the appeal. After being involved in a relationship for so long I really wasn't looking for another serious relationship. We had a very passionate relationship.

One day I woke up to find that when I tried to use the bathroom it burned really badly. It was also kind of itchy. I often had urinary tract infections growing up so that is what I thought it was. I also noticed an ingrown hair that was bothering me.  Wow - a urinary tract infection and ingrown hair! I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood just to be sure.

When I went in for the examination, herpes had never even crossed my mind. I have always been in long term monogamous relationships. When the doctor took a look and mentioned that it looked like herpes I literally almost jumped off the table. A million things were running through my head. Who? When? How? And most of all - not me - it can't be. They gave me some pamphlets and explained that they had to take a sample and wait for the results but she was pretty sure that’s what it was. I was devastated. I could not stop crying. I felt so dirty and ashamed.

Of course I immediately called the guy I was dating and asked him who he had been involved with. He said nobody and accused me of the same. It was a very confusing time for me. I went on the internet and absorbed every piece of information I could find. This is when I realized that what I thought I knew about STD's was not enough.

My ex boyfriend used to occasionally get cold sores. Not even very often. Maybe 2 or 3 times the whole time we dated. But we did have oral sex. When the results from the lab came back I was diagnosed with HSV1. That does not mean I got it from my ex but it’s a possibility. It is embarrassing to say that I just didn't realize what we were doing. That I was exposing myself. I never had a cold sore. At first I was very depressed and I felt who would want to be involved with someone that had this? Would I if the role was reversed? I don't know if I could. I just continued to learn everything I could about it, the different types and symptoms, suppressive therapy. I joined support groups and listened to other peoples stories. What I eventually came to realize is that I am lucky. Because I have HSV1 and it is out of its normal territory the outbreaks are generally not as bad. I have had 3 total outbreaks. All within the first 6 months of diagnosis. The first outbreak was the most obvious and painful. I did not take medication the third outbreak. I just let it run its course.

Since then I have started exercising more and watching what I eat. I also quit smoking cigarettes. I feel that my overall health has helped to keep me outbreak free. I told my mother, sister and closest friends. I knew that I didn't want to do this on my own. I also realized I had nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. I was a victim. I was exposed. I was not dirty, or slutty or cheap. My friends and family were all very supportive and I am glad that I was able to tell them about it.

I continued to see the guy I was dating for awhile. He was not bothered by the herpes. I was not sure if that was because he was the one to expose me or because we were already involved and he felt he had already been exposed. He did once have one sore that looked like a pimple but he refused to get tested so I am still unsure if he has it or not. We did eventually break it off and I was scared that I might not find someone willing to accept it.

I met Mike through a mutual friend that insisted we had to meet. We hit it off immediately and were pretty much inseparable since we met and I knew for me I had to tell him sooner rather then later. I didn't want to develop feelings for this guy and have him dump me when he found out. I was very scared to tell him. I never had this conversation with a guy before and I didn't even know where to begin. I asked him if he had ever had a cold sore and when he said yes I said good. I asked him if he knew that was a form of herpes? He said yes and I said good. I explained to him what had happened with me. He had some questions for me and I tried to answer as truthfully as I could. I will not say it was easy. My heart was beating out of my chest and I was scared he was just going to get up and walk out. He didn't.

It took awhile for us to be comfortable with each other. Of course I didn't want to expose him - I really cared about this guy. We now have the most wonderful relationship, intimate and not. He is everything I ever needed. We use protection when we have sex, I am fine with that and so is he. He knows there is a chance he could still be exposed. We try to be as careful as we can but it’s a chance he is willing to take and I love him even more for that. I have not had an outbreak since we started dating. I am optimistic that this will continue but you never know. He is the most thoughtful, kind and caring person . We have been dating for about eight months now and I hate to even write it and jinx it but I could marry this guy.

I hope this will help someone else which is my reason for sharing. Reading other peoples stories was my life line when I first found out and I would not be where I am without all the people willing to share their experience. We have nothing to be ashamed of. My motto in life - with all that I do - mind over matter. Good luck to all. - Danielle

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