Be careful who you trust

When I was just 16 I met a boy in the stairwell of a south London tower block. We hit it off immediately, and were dating for 2 years. In January 2004 I noticed something was wrong. I kept getting these weird pains below the waist and then one day I noticed a whitish looking lump. I knew what it was straight away from self diagnosis and looking at info on the net.

I couldn't believe it. I was only 17. I thought I would never have sex or a boyfriend again. I got very depressed. I noticed my boyfriend had tiny warts all over his penis and told him to go to the clinic. It was hard for us to deal with but somehow we managed to get through it. I think he gave them to me, but he wouldn't admit it. At the time though i didn't care because we both had it and that was it. And we were still together. I thought if we could get through that we could get through anything.

6 months later he's having a baby with someone else. Pretty gutted I was - to be
honest. That was the end of him. And now here's me left with this on my own.

As time has passed I have forgotten about the warts. They only came once, and since have never returned. I have got on with life as normally as possible, after almost giving up A levels because I was so depressed. But, I did them, and now I am at University. I never have sex unprotected and have been with two people since coming out of that 2 year relationship.

Yesterday I found out I now have Herpes as well as HPV. Having been through the feelings of disgust, filth, shame, depression and low self esteem - I realized I had herpes, it wasn't as bad as the first time. I was just pissed off because I had been so careful about protection. I'm just scared to infect my mouth or my eyes because I don't want to go blind. I still feel absolutely different from everyone else and even more so now. I can't tell any of my friends or family. I'm just too ashamed. No one knows apart from me, the guy who gave it to me and the doctor.

I called him yesterday and told him what I had discovered. I want you to have my children. He said that he didn't have it. But he was being so weird. I know he does. He wouldn't have reacted that way. I think he feels guilty because I told him I had warts previously. There's no use fighting over this though. What happened has happened. I cant turn back the clock. I wish I could.

You know, my whole life I have never had a disease that can be cured. I have asthma, I had chickenpox when I was 15, very badly, and then last summer, the day before I was supposed to fly to new york, I got the mumps. Chickenpox, asthma, mumps, hpv, and herpes. What the hell is next. HIV eh? Yay! I just can't believe I have got 2 of the worst (for me apart from HIV) STDs.

I already have a fear of skin complaints. I had acne as a teen and sometimes missed school because I didn't want people to see my face. Now it's not my face that's mess up, its my womanhood. I have important exams next week and all I can think about is herpes. It sucks. I wish I was a kid again. I feel if my family found out it would be a huge embarrassment to them. I feel if i tell one of my friends it will get around. I don't want people who aren't my friends to know, and it will happen if I tell someone. At least I know my secret is safe, until I so choose to disclose it.

Obviously I am going to find it hard starting a relationship with someone, but the most important thing is to let them know what's going on first. What happened to me was not cool at all. Be careful who you trust - be careful full stop.

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