It doesn't have to be that big of a deal

Hi, I am a 36 year old single mom.  I have had HSV2 for the last 5 years or so.  My ex-fiancé gave it to me swearing he had no idea - I have decided to accept this as the truth since I know that is very common with men who have herpes...being asymtomatic that is...lucky bastards;)

The light of my life is my beautiful 4 year old daughter.  I had her vaginally while on suppressive therapy and everything went perfectly..she is incredibly healthy and herpes free thank God.  But I wanted to mention this since I read lots of Blogs where HSV positive women are scared to death of vaginal child birth.  I think it depends on your OB office and how comfortable they are with it is as comfortable as you will be with it.  My office was amazing on many levels, but they had assured me that if there was ANY sign what so ever that I could be having an outbreak they would do a c-section...there was no need.  So I would encourage all HSV positive mothers to be to stay in tune with your doctor and to give the possibility of a vaginal delivery a chance depending on your specific situation.  It was the most amazing experience of my life and if I'm lucky enough to be able to have another child someday I hope it will be the same way:)

Now on to the "real" issue I wanted to write about.  Telling a new a new partner and dealing with the questions and fear.  I have historically made extremely bad choices when it comes to men in my life...how I ended up a 36 year old single mom with herpes.  My head and heart ran the gamut of thoughts and emotions for the next few years after being diagnosed.  Feeling lonely, dirty and depressed like no one would ever want to be with me and feeling like I'd never truly been loved my a man - and as though I never would.  But thanks to an amazing man in my life and the best friends and family anyone could ever ask for - the stigma of that tag no longer defines who I am and I've come to feel strong and brave and appreciate myself for who I've become despite the adversity in my life.

About 3 weeks ago I went on my first date with my new guy.  Everything was there, laughs, intellectual connection, major physical attraction and the mutual desire to be together.  The first time in my life it all has come together like this.  His previous gf of 6 years had been dishonest and cheated on him, so trust was #1 on his list of things he needed from his next flame.  As it was for me.  In order for me to tell him about my HSV2, I had to trust him as well.  I should mention I have been in monogamous relationships prior to my new one and after being diagnosed...but they were brief, usually 2-4 months.  Some of them I waited to have sex with and the relationship fizzled out before we were intimate.  Others I had sex with and though we practiced safe sex, I never had the nerve or trust in them to tell them.  One other guy I did tell and he ran for the hills.  I realize now that herpes can be a blessing in disguise.  I was not as selective with who my partners were as I should have been before I found out I had herpes.  I did not wait to see if there could be love with someone before giving myself to them sexually.  After herpes, I know that without the love, trust and commitment you have nothing 'real' anyways.  Better off to do it the right way and be able to look yourself in the eye everyday and know you are a good person who respects themselves and those you love.

Everything about my new guy screamed that he would at the very least understand and give me chance to be in a relationship with him after hearing my news.  But I knew there was the possibility that he would bolt.  I told him and I was ecstatic with his reaction.  I felt such immense relief after having confided in him.  He held me, comforted me and told me that he felt there was really something special between the 2 of us...something worth exploring regardless of what I had just shared with him.  He said we'd definitely wait longer to be intimate, take all the precautions I'd mentioned to him and that of course he'd want time to research more on his own and hopefully get to the "comfort level" with it that I had.  I said  I would do whatever I could to help and that I was fine with all that.  Two weeks later he and I are still in dating bliss.  We are completely physically attracted to each other so holding off is becoming increasingly difficult.  We are both having complete STD screening done this week - me, to ensure HSV2 is where it ends - him, to see if he could already be positive and make sure his unfaithful ex did not give him anything else he could pass to me.  We intend to have protected sex and I am on suppressive therapy, but when the roller coaster ride starts in the bedroom you just never know what twists and turns you may find:) So we've decided out of respect for ourselves and each other this is the right and responsible thing to do.

I won't try to sugar coat this.  He is definitely struggling with the HSV issue.  I have no doubt he is totally into me and appreciates me for who I am.  The BEST feeling in the world when you feel the same way.  But being a self professed "bit of a germ-o-phoebe", he is scared to even touch my genitals...he has also expressed concerns about oral sex.  My eyes roll in the back of my head at the mere thought of him going down on me...but I fear he will never feel 100% comfortable with the HSV to do that.  I know time will tell and that we are doing everything we can to make sure this is safe and that our relationship survives this.  If he and I knew that this was it for each other - that we'd be together forever - then all this would be a non-issue.  But we are both logical minded adults who understand that un-foreseen things happen in relationships and you just never know what could unfortunately come between us later on.  I have to say that after being so open and honest with him I know there is not much he and I could not compromise on or talk out.  I also know that after having this experience with him, should things not work out for us (please God, don't let that happen:) I will never be afraid to tell a man again about my HSV.

Where are we at right now?  He wants to read more blogs and get real life experiences from people who have been in relationships where one partner has it and the other does not.  He has read possibly too much clinical research information that gives you no probabilities only possibilities.  I know, it freaked me out too when I was first diagnosed.  But since I've been living with it for five years, I know it is just a "silly skin condition" as one other non-HSV positive hubby wrote in a blog.  I encourage anyone with a hopeful HSV story to write in and share them with all of us who need to hear your stories to live normal, fun, happy sex lives.  I plan to write in again with an update until he and I have conquered this herpes thing.  Another blog I read said that a girl's new bf after being told she had it said he'd like to call them "happies" instead of herpes:)  I don't know if I'd go that far, but I do think that the more people who stand up for those with herpes when co-workers are laughing about it at the water cooler, the quicker the social stigma will deteriorate and we will all be able to be open and honest and stop contributing to the spread of HSV and other worrisome std's.  Bottom line, it doesn't have to be that big of a deal in your life as long as you're smart and responsible with your choices. - HoneyB

Update...not a happy one, but an update in my dating world with HSV

Well I wish I could write in and tell all those paying attention to my story that my bf of 2 months and I have triumphed over the health and emotional complications of HSV.  But I can't.  We broke up this past weekend after dating for about a month and a half only.  It was hardly a standard break up.  It was hardly a standard month and a half relationship.

He was gone for 2 weeks to visit his elderly parents in Florida assisting them with some health issues and taking care of a remodeling project.  While he was gone we stayed in touch every day via phone and text.  While they weren't as intimate of conversations as those we'd had face to face prior to his trip, they were pleasant and reassured me that his feelings would be the same when he returned.  But left alone with his borderline obsessive thoughts and worries about the HSV issue in our relationship - without the constant reassurance of our chemistry and the emotional intimacy that had developed over the past several weeks...he became convinced he had developed physical symptoms of HSV.  No you didn't miss anything, we did not have intercourse - protected or otherwise.  But I did perform oral sex on him once about 3 weeks prior.  I'll remind you I have genital HSV2 and have never had any symptoms of oral herpes. This is typical as HSV2's site of preference is the genital region and trumps any exposure to oral HSV1.  It's worth mentioning also that I was currently taking anti-viral medication as suppressive therapy to diminish the risk of transmission should we decide to have sex in the near future.  Given all this, I should not have had oral sex with him since he still had not been tested himself.  So regardless of his concerns over protecting his own health, I was actually the one put most at risk by this behavior.  None the less, in a moment of wanting desperately the closeness that comes only by giving physically to the person you care for - I did it.  So minutes after picking him up from the airport, observing his lack of interest in me physically, his emotional listlessness and a non-committal attitude about making plans to see me in the days to come - he told me he was experiencing HSV symptoms.  Tingling and burning in his penis, muscle soreness and a "clenching" sensation.  These symptoms he said had been around almost since the moment he left on his trip - for 2 weeks.  Yet no sores, no fever...only prodrome symptoms that went on entirely too long without sores to be explained as an HSV outbreak - primary or otherwise.  Of course I listened with empathy to everything he was expressing.  I explained to him that based on everything I know about herpes it simply could not be a primary outbreak and that the chances of him contracting it from me via oral sex were slim to none.  Still the blow to the back of my chest came..."my feelings for you are not the same" he said.  He told me that he had hoped we could pick up where we left off before he had fled the subzero temps to the sunshine state...but that he could tell the moment he saw me as he deplaned that it just couldn't be.  He felt out of sorts, undesirable and his normally strong libido was nearly non-existent.  All feelings anyone finding out they have an STD would feel.  This I could understand.  But why it would change his feelings for me, why he would push me away because of it - that I could not understand.  Most frustrating of all, his phobia of being tested.  He had procrastinated it prior to his trip saying he was too afraid and would do it when he returned - but on his own time, when he was ready.  Even as he sat and described his waning feelings for me and these phantom symptoms, he was looking for a way to know if it was herpes without actually being tested.  Being a highly logical person often times to a fault, I was beside myself with confusion and frustration.  It seemed so simple...go, get tested and then together we will get on with the business of dealing with the results which ever way they turn out.  But in his mind, the fear of the unknown was somehow more attractive than knowing and having to deal with it - either way.  He had asked me to give him some "space" while he dealt with these symptoms, until he went to be tested and could reach some sort of stable ground over what was happening or not happening to his body.  All I could think about was the power your mind has to create very real physical symptoms.  Could he be experiencing the physical manifestation of psychosomatic herpes?  I believed he could, understanding his personality was not at all about taking risks and that this had become the focus of his negative thoughts over the last several weeks.

My initial anger and confusion gave way to some sort of perceived clarity one day later.  I broke up with him.  I told him that more than anything I wanted things to be the way they were when he left.  We had made a promise to each other only a few days before he left that we would put the herpes issue off to the side until we had gotten to know each other much better so we could see more of what the future held for us.  But that deal was off the minute he saw my smiling face waiting to greet him at the airport.  Spending time with me was like a constant reminder of the fear he had over these symptoms.  Knowing my personality, I knew that I would likely become resentful and angry if I allowed him to hold me at a distance giving me attention only on his terms.  I had seen this murky sort of relationship before and it wasn't pretty.  No clearly drawn boundaries, only gray area and chances for failure and hurt feelings where before there had been clarity and closeness.  As much as I wanted to hang on to some piece of him, I couldn't do it.  In my mind the sexual part of 'us' is what he feared, what caused his feelings to change for me.  If I took that completely out of the equation, perhaps his fears would subside until he was ready to face them.

He asked me several times if breaking up is what I really wanted - of course not, I didn't want any of it, but I saw no other way.  He told me he saw this as a temporary situation, until he got tested and could see how I fit in to the outcome of those tests.  He said he did not want me to see him like this - I guess he was afraid I'd view him as weak...to be truthful I did somewhat.  Though it did not make him any less of a person to me, perhaps more.  I was not so sure this was temporary though.  It seemed to me he was saying he could not get past the herpes issue and maybe he never would.  He tried to assure me of his feelings by saying that had I not been someone very special to him he would have bolted the minute I told him about the HSV. He said he holds on to hope that we will work things out and be stronger for it.  I promised him that I was not abandoning him during a difficult time.  That the friendship part of our relationship was just as strong as it had been before.  But if space is what he needs, then space is what I'll give him...though perhaps more than he was hoping for.  I prefer to think that the human need to express physically his feelings for me - especially as a man - was torturing him, requiring him to push me away.  Not that he actually felt less for me as a result of this mess.  It may be slightly delusional, but my fragile ego can only take so much rejection from someone I care for so very much. At this point I believe the only chance I have of salvaging the most honest and beautiful relationship I've ever had is to set him free.  The day I broke up with him I told him I love him.  Something I regret doing, even though it was the truth.  I now feel totally and completely vulnerable, naked - like a raw nerve.  I define my love for him like this - it's the love that comes when you see completely the frailty and strength of another person, they see the same in you and it draws you closer to one another despite obstacles.  He is a beautifully sensitive person with a pure heart and an open mind like no other I've seen.  And whether or not a romantic relationship will spark again for us, I know I am a richer person for having him in my life even if so brief a time.  I have had herpes for 5 years, but I realized at this moment that I have not dealt with it until I met him.  There is hope in my sad update.  I hope you can find it. - HoneyB

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