April Fools 2002

I just had my one year anniversary of being infected with genital HSV1. Usually anniversaries are things that are pleasant and celebrated. This is not the case with this one…it is just something to acknowledge.

A little over a year ago I met a beautiful, Armenian girl at a support group in Southern California. We started dating and had a lot of fun together. We played tennis, flew kites, went swimming, ate in nice restaurants and eventually engaged in sex. We both were in our late 30’s and wanted to try to have a successful relationship. Prior to our carnal relations, she interrogated me about my health, aids testing, diseases and the like. I showed her all of my paperwork and got retested to make sure. She told me she was clean and had had all of her tests. I trusted her and didn’t feel it necessary to see her medical reports. Since she was so hyper vigilant about diseases, she must be very educated and clean…right? Wrong!

Prior to my initial outbreak, I saw several red flags in the relationship. This has been a pattern of mine…to ignore my inner voice. She liked to drink and wanted me to join her even though I was a recovering alcoholic. She was very much into obtaining material possessions and was highly critical of me and my modest financial status. No matter how many places I took her to or gifts that I bought her, it never seemed enough. She also enjoyed berating me and when I would defend myself, she claimed I was being too sensitive. Generally, we were not a good match for each other and the HSV1 incident was the final act.

Sex can be a wonderful, exciting, powerful interaction between two people. It is often attached to romance, dreams, hopes, love and at times, disappointments. Many times in my life, I have compromised my instincts and better judgments just to be apart of this rapture. More often than not, there was a price to pay…this time I paid a significant price. I suppose I am fortunate that this virus is not life threatening. I must also own the fact that I have not always been responsible in having safe, protected sex. At times, I have had a cavalier attitude regarding sex. It’s still difficult for me to see my part in this particular situation because I can’t always get past feeling victimized.

On approximately April 1, 2002, after having sex with my girlfriend, I had this horrible itching around the side and base of my penis. It was unrelenting. As the days went by, it got worst and I was truly flipping out. I knew something was very, very wrong. When I spoke with my girlfriend, she theorized that I probably contracted her yeast infection. I was willing to buy that because it gave me some hope. She recommended I apply her medicated cream to my member and that should do the trick. Of course that did not work and my outbreak spread. I felt like some type of science fiction creature going through a mutation…it was horrible.

Then came the revelation. She informed me that she had had a very bad herpes outbreak 20 years ago! This was coming from the ‘germ-phobic Nazi’ that thoroughly interrogated me! Her denial system had told her that since she took a lot of vitamins and lead a healthy life…the virus must have vanished. She was one of the few spared. I felt absolute shock, rage and betrayal. How God-damn ironic that she gave me something when all along she worried about getting something from me. I have since found a tremendous amount of ignorance from people and doctors regarding HSV and its symptoms, characteristics and diagnosis.

Her tale was as follows: she had an affair with a man 20 years ago who had HSV1 orally. He performed oral sex on her and she contracted HSV1 genitally. She claimed that it had gone away after that and a blood test confirmed this. (I have since discovered that the blood testing allowed by insurance companies are very cheap and inferior and often do not give accurate results. Sometimes the tests are performed too soon before any antibodies can be formed. Blood tests seek out the actual antibodies that are fighting the virus. I have learned that the antibodies take from 12 to 16 weeks to develop). So this strain, over the course of 20 years went from his mouth to her genitals and then onto my genitals. It is surreal and odd how I am now connected to my ex-girlfriend’s former lover of 20 years ago and many other strangers in between. I have found out that the first outbreak is usually the worst and women can have internal outbreaks that can be mistaken for yeast infections. I tried in earnest to forgive her and stay in the relationship. It proved very difficult. I also contemplated staying in the relationship because I felt so contaminated and I could not imagine anyone wanting to be with me ever again. I was emotionally very torn. I now had a strange alliance with her now…we were connected by a virus.

I went to my doctor within the first couple of days during my outbreak. He claimed, by sight that I probably had HSV. He should have taken a culture (which I found out later). This would have given an immediate and definitive diagnosis. Instead, he sent me for a blood test. He did not use any discretion in ordering the tests. He did so in front of his office staff and within earshot of the waiting room. This was a huge violation of my privacy rights as per HIPAA. I was just so embarrassed that I was rendered speechless. I felt victimized again. The test turned out to be negative and then he claimed I did not have HSV. (Obviously this doctor was not aware of the incubation period). I got online and did my own research. Thank God for the internet! I took the blood test again in 16 weeks and my suspicions were proved correct…I had been exposed to the HSV virus. I eventually took the Western Blot test and it was confirmed that I had HSV1 genitally.

My next step was to seek out support which my girlfriend felt was unnecessary. I attended an LAHELP meeting at the end of April 2002. It proved very helpful. It was so important for me to get accurate information and connect with others. My girlfriend was not supportive of my going to meetings, thought I should let it go and that I gave the issue too much power. We had other issues that were not conducive for a healthy bond and eventually our union crumbled. I was grateful for my over 18 years of seeking self-help and support groups. As soon as this issue came to light, I sought help and accurate information. Information and knowledge is very empowering.

I moved back to New York in 2003 and sought out HSV support groups (NYHELP). It was helpful and important to stay connected and have support in dealing with the medical and social issues of HSV. I find it difficult to forgive my ex-girlfriend and to find peace with this issue. I know this is not spiritually healthy. The result of this has rocked my self-esteem, spontaneity, ego and confidence in meeting women. I feel like a victim at times and fear rejection from a potential partner. I try to embrace the philosophies of the support group in realizing that this virus should not be allowed to define me and that one of the most difficult parts is the social stigma attached. All I can really do is accept my situation, keep a healthy lifestyle, minimize stress, get support, count my blessings and keep a positive attitude. It is now my responsibility to not further the spread of HSV. This can be done personally and through educating others. JJH

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