The Story of Fun Fabulous

My name is Karen. I contracted herpes in 1992 when I was 22 years old. I was a suburban-bred girl living in Baltimore city and it was my first time being truly independent. I had left college prematurely to go "find myself", was sharing an apartment with two wonderful male platonic friends, and working full time. I was there to experience life and all that the big city had to offer: both it's beauty and it's ugliness. I was ready... or so I thought.

I met a man who worked and lived in the building. He had kind eyes and a jolly laugh and had become friendly with me and my roomies. Eventually, we became close and the relationship turned romantic. What I did not know, though, was that he had herpes and to my great disappointment - was not monogamous.

I had never considered myself to be a naive person but found out how ignorant I was when it came to matters of the heart, sex, and human behavior during this time. I may have left college - but I got a huge dose of the school of hard knocks. After seeing Milton* for some time, I woke up one morning with a strange sensation after spending the night with him. I had symptoms immediately. Itching, burning, severe irritation. "What the hell is this?" I thought. I had always been careful and used condoms. I wasn't even thinking about an STD. I didn't even think about the fact that the condom had broken the night before so it was the first time we had skin contact like that (and there is such a thing as a point-of-no-return, if ya know what I mean). I brushed it off as a possible yeast infection. I have never even had one of those before so I just assumed.

But the pain soon came and the itching and burning got worse - I could hardly stand it. But it was the weekend and the Doctor's office was closed. I called one of my older sisters, who had more experience in these matters, to get her opinion. She was honest and told me that it didn't sound like a yeast infection to her, "Go to the doctor ASAP, Karen... please". So I went early Monday morning after a weekend of torment. I was having trouble walking. Once the practitioner got a look... she new. "I'll run the test anyway, but I know what this is... I've seen it before." "What?" I asked. She leaned back, grabbed a box of tissues, handed them to me and sat down. Looking me in the eye and placing a kind hand on mine, she said "Karen, you have herpes. It's a textbook case of it." "WHAT?????!", I gasped, and started to cry. She then proceeded to ask me some questions and then said, "Well, Karen... you have to tell this man. It is possible he is a carrier and doesn't know it... or he was too afraid... regardless, tell him to go to the doctor." She then spent a bit more time telling me how to treat it, gave me some meds, told me a little bit about management, and sent me on my way.

I was horrified. By the time I got home, I was completely swollen from front to back and could barely walk. I had to get a sitz bath (often used by women after giving birth) just to go to the bathroom. The stinging caused me to scream in pain. I told my mother (as I had just moved back in with the parents) since she new I had gone to the doc and there was no way to hide my pain. She was great. ( I was lucky to have support). She waited on me hand and foot while I passed out cold for a week on the couch - taking pain pills, applying cream, waddling to the bathroom, etc.

I called Milton on the phone to tell him and was actually worried and concerned for HIS feelings. I wanted to be sure to not sound accusatory in case he did know he had it. But the truth soon came out. He was immediately defensive - called me names, accused me of being a slut and sleeping around. I was horrified. I was, and still am, the most faithful of people. I had not had many partners before him and was totally freaked. He refused to hear me... refused to go to the doctor... etc.

Needless to say the relationship ended immediately. My best male friend, Paul* (who was one of the roomies) said that it was more than clear to him from Milton's behavior that he NEW he had it and just didn't tell me. "Trust me", he said, "I'm a guy... I know." Paul was very supportive. I also recalled, after the fact, Milton saying he had some sort of sore spot due to a "zipper incident". Harrumph! Zipper, my ass!

Not long after, I found out some more very disturbing news. We had lived in a very diverse neighborhood in Baltimore - a "transitional" neighborhood with everything from doctors to artists to welfare mothers on the same block, and in the same building. Therefore, we were exposed to all walks of life and although our building was safe with security staff and door codes, two or three blocks in any direction would get you nothing but drug dealers, crack houses, and gunfire. Really not much different than any other major city such as New York, Los Angeles, or D.C. Anyway - the disturbing news was that Milton had slept with a particular woman who I knew only by sight. "He slept with WHO??????" I asked in total disgust.

"The chick with the track marks on her arms?" It doesn't matter who told me - they thought I knew and were very sympathetic. "Oh my God". My heart sank into the pit of my stomach as I realized the chances of my having HIV. "That Creep!", I screamed. "It's bad enough he gave me herpes. It's bad enough he risked is own life...but risking mine? All for some sex with some strung-out heroin addict bitch stinkin' needles in her arms? That son-of-a-bitch! He had no right!!!!!!!!!" I was mortified and full of rage. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to rewind.....I wanted a "do over"! "Oh God...why? Why me? I'm a good girl... I'm not one of those people... this can't be happening... I don't do drugs, I don't sleep around, I'm a good person... HELP!"

Even then I was a tough nut - very tolerant and able to handle almost anything. I could deal with the danger of the city. I could talk to anyone and blend in anywhere. I even sang on the corner a few times with the street crooners on my block collecting change and it didn't phase me one bit that I was the only white girl on the corner. I played cards with the toothless, gray-haired, harmless alcoholic on welfare, Uncle J. I braved the park to walk my little dog and chatted with the local homeless people while she chased the squirrels. I frequented the Korean-owned convenience store with the bullet-proof glass and bars on the door across the street,  and just laughed every time someone asked, "what are you doing in this neighborhood?" I handled myself quite well in dealing with potential danger at every turn and the hoots and hollers from guys with obvious gun bulges in their jackets. I spent over a year in that environment unscathed and in one piece. I could handle all that. But herpes? HIV? Oh the betrayal! That, I could NOT handle.

I cried myself to sleep that night and never spoke to Milton again.

I also resisted the temptation to cash in on the offers of "Ya want me to kick his ass for you?" I just wanted nothing more to do with him, or with the city. It was time for a change.

I spent the next year desperately trying to manage my stress so I would not get any more outbreaks, and was pretty lucky. I had moved back in with my parents and went back to college part time. I had been in a bit of denial about the HIV possibility and just resigned myself to being celibate. Then one day, my buddy Paul grabs me and says, "It's time, Karen." "Time for what?" I ask. "It's time to get tested". I froze... "no, no... I'm afraid... I can't... what if I'm positive? No. No. No, I'm not ready." "You need to know, Karen... and so do the people that care about you." He said. Paul gave me a big hug and shook me a bit, "I get tested every six months... I'll go with you... I'm due for mine anyway... we'll go together and we can go to a clinic where it's anonymous... I'll even hold your hand if you want... You can do this." So I let Paul drag me to a clinic, get tested... and then wait. I had to wait a whole week. It felt like an eternity. And then... finally... one day the on the phone:" Your test was negative." "WAHOOOOOOOO! I'm negative! No HIV! Yippppeeeeee!" I was relieved - the world had been lifted off of my shoulders and I realized that it was the NOT knowing that was hardest. But it did bring back some anger for Milton - for putting me through that kind of torment. But I also thank God every day for my friend, Paul.

I eventually got over the anger for him but still had trouble trusting men in general... and I confess I still do at times... but mostly just because of various lies and infidelity - the herpes has become a minor issue. The worst thing about herpes is the emotional and mental damage - the stigma. The actuality of the virus is minor.

I finally began dating again two years after the diagnosis and found that most people are quite accepting and respect you for telling. I believe in telling whole heartedly. I think you are nothing more than selfish and inconsiderate if you don't. I could never do that to anyone. I ALWAYS TELL. They deserve the choice that I didn't get. I will not sink to Milton's level. I can respect a person for choosing not to get romantically involved once you tell, as long as they are nice about it. I also believe that it is as much their responsibility as it is yours to take precautions if they choose to get involved with you.

What is not ok, are people who treat you like dirt for it and here is my take on that: People who react in a negative, degrading, or insulting way are not worth your time, attention, or the dirt on your shoe. AND tell early on... don't wait for the possible rejection after your heart is in it - do it soon - do it once you have made a connection and feel you can trust them (even if you turn out to be wrong), but don't wait too long. Think about it. I consider telling a man I have herpes to be a great "jerk-o-meter". If I tell and he is an ass about it, GOOD RIDDANCE! I would not want him in my life anyway. Let's get real. Any person who would be cruel or break contact with another all because they have an STD has some serious issues, relationship problems, and character flaws that go way beyond you or your herpes. It's their problem, not yours. Think about it like this: What if it was your friend and your date reacted like a jerk about it... would you REALLY want to be dating a person who is incapable of showing empathy, sympathy, or compassion for another human being in pain? Would you really want to be involved with a person who is that judgmental? NO! I think not! Screw 'em! Let it roll right off and know inside that you are the better person and be glad you found out NOW that he/she is a cold-hearted ass rather than down the road after you have invested your heart and soul. It's just another way to "weed 'em out". :-)

How am I now? Well I am ok as far as herpes goes. It's really the least of my problems. My outbreaks are now few and far between and VERY mild. Taking lysine and finding ways to avoid stress or alternatives in dealing with stress have worked well for me. I finally finished school and got myself two degrees, tried teaching for while - didn't work, so I am working in another field for now. I have a large family and have not ruled out dating non H men. I found all the wonderful internet resources, dating sites, and social groups in 1999 and was relieved and ridiculously excited about finally meeting others who had Herpes. I knew what the stats were but never had the opportunity or knew where to look to find them. I kept thinking, "Well, where the hell is everybody?" So, there I was one day a few weeks after a break up with a non H guy, sitting at my computer. A light came on in my head. I went online and typed in the search window...."Herpes"...and wallah! Hundreds of sites! I was in awe... and that was all she wrote.

I have found it very therapeutic to help others with this so I am running a HELP group in my area. I am also deeply involved with the social groups and events and genuinely enjoying life. My job sucks, I'm poor, still single, and in debt - but I got my family, my friends, my H buds, and a rather WICKED sense of humor... so life is pretty good!  I am talented and outgoing and I know I have a lot to give. Although I DO have a life outside of the H2O crowd, the social group has been a wonderful stable rock for me. I have now made some of the best friends of my life through the group and thanks to the National events, I have been able to travel; seeing and doing things I might never have done before this...and it may sound weird to you, but, it's all thanks to that freakin' little virus. I still don't wish it on my worst enemy, but... I like where this road has led me and would not change it now. Life is weird. Many blessings to all of you. - Karen

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