So here is my story:

I was 19 and in college.  And, I guess it would not be considered a surprise to some girls out there that I developed a crush on one of my professors.  So for nearly the whole term I just sat and ogled him from my chair.  When I look at him now, of course I say to myself, "OMG!  What was I thinking!!!"  But anyway, that was me back then.  We can't change the past, although many of us wish we could . . . and onward we go.  So, it was near end of the term and of course I wanted to impress him, so I did a project on his favorite music group.  Well, lo and behold, what does the idiot professor do?  He invited me in front of the whole class to come to his house and listen to his album collection.  I turned beat red because everyone went, "Ooooooooh!"  So he laughed it off and claimed he was just kidding, but at the end of class, he approached me privately and said if I wanted to come over at the end of the term, I still could.  There was still 6 weeks left.  Needless to say, I was thrilled and told him I'd really love to.  Fast forward to the next class . . . he approaches me again after class and says 6 weeks is a long time to wait.  I smile and scribble my phone number down and give it to him.  He calls me that same evening and a date is set.  I'm dying inside with happiness, but my sister and friends all think I'm crazy because he is nearly 20 years older than me.  I of course listen to no one and go out with him.  I must say, all the red flags were there from the very first date.  He was just plain strange but, I had been dreaming about this day for a long time now and I didn't care.   The first date was ok, we went to a really strange diner and he wore these really ugly Capezios (disco shoes - anyone remember those?) and bell bottomed pants.  It was a bit embarrassing, but he probably felt dressed up for the occasion so I sympathized and appreciated his efforts.  He kissed me goodbye and I remember thinking, "Yuck, it must be a generation thing, I need to show him a thing or two the next time we go out."  And, we did, go out that is.  First for dinner, then back to his place to "listen to his albums."  One thing led to another of course, and I went against all my principles and slept with him.  I had never moved that quickly with anyone before, but nabbing my professor gave me some sort of feeling of being special somehow.  Boy, did I have an inferiority complex back then.  And unfortunately, getting involved with him resulted in an even worse sense of self esteem.  The second time we slept together, I noticed a very small dry scab on his penis.  I asked him what it was and he told me that he sometimes gets a heat rash pimple in hot weather.  Boy was I dumb, and I let it go.  Two days later I'm starting to itch.  Still clueless and thinking I am getting a yeast infection or something, but boy am I wrong.  The next day I wake up with many little water bubbles that itch like crazy all on the outside of my vagina.  By the end of the day, all bubbles are burst and I'm burning like hell.  Still, I'm clueless to what it is but smart enough to make an appt with my gyno.

Fast forward to my diagnosis - it was as though I received a death sentence.  I felt my life as a normal person was completely over.  I had no one to talk to about this and felt entirely frightened.  I knew I had to tell the "Professor," and even though deep down I knew he gave it to me, I was still scared to talk about it.  When I did, he blamed me for bringing it into the relationship and said that he has always gone for testing and knew he did not have it.  He said one of my prior boyfriends must have given it to me.  Although my doctor said it appeared to be an initial breakout due to it's severity and the amount of titers found in my blood, I accepted the possibility that maybe one of my old beaus gave it to me.  They were virgins, but one did cheat on me, so the possibility was there.  I never got the courage to tell the ex-beau that cheated though.  Instead, stupid me is afraid to deal with the world and the Prof says he still wants to go out with me, and so I do.  I stayed with him.  I swallowed my big secret so I did not have to deal with it.  Two years later we are married, I am miserable and nearly hate him because he is so eccentric and controlling.  My family could never understand what I saw in him, but I could never tell.  I was falling into a deep abyss.  A major depression and  finally, I admit to my grandmother that I'm miserable - not about the H of course just that I am really unhappy.  She tells me love takes time to grow and to get help from a therapist to see where my head is.  So off I go, into therapy.  I find an older woman who seems nice.  She had many degrees and was actually a psychotherapist, so I figured eventually I'd tell her the entire truth.  It took about a month and I told her I had herpes.  She seemed ok with it so I started to gain courage to talk about leaving my husband.  Then one day I asked to use her bathroom and she said, "NO."  I asked her why and she said that she did not have time to clean it afterwards.  I asked her if it was because I had herpes and she did not answer.  I got up and left that instant.  I was never so awfully ashamed of myself.  I nearly wanted to die but I'd never do that to my family.  I made the decision that day to stay with my husband and try to have a child.  I was not going to deny myself motherhood.

Fast forward again to my daughter's birth.  It was really a good experience for me.  Pregnancy was easy and although I had a few outbreaks during pregnancy, once I hit 38 weeks, my OB broke my water and induced labor so I did not have to worry about going into labor during an outbreak.  It was a perfect vaginal delivery.  As time went on, life got harder again.  My daughter was a poor sleeper and I was very drained.  The stress of hating my husband was taking it's toll again but God gave me another gift.  A new friend.  She was also a nurse and to this day I love her like a sister.  She always knew I was unhappy and could never understand why I chose this man to marry.  So finally I came out with it and told her the truth.  She was very accepting and understanding.  Being a nurse gave her a more educated perspective and she was a great source of support.  In time, she helped me realize I had the right to be happy and leave him.  People should not pay their entire lives for a wrong decision.  At the same time, I had formed another friendship with a maintenance man who worked where I had a job part time.  I must admit, I developed feelings for him and he me.  We were getting too friendly and he knew I was unhappy with my life.  I made a decision to test my strength and see how this man would react if I told him about the Herpes.  He was fine with it.  I nearly cheated on my husband at that point - well - physically if you get my drift.  Mentally, the friendship was definitely not appropriate for any married woman to have and I made the decision that it was time to leave.  In less than two months, I did it.  I left my husband and moved home with my parents.  After briefly dating the maintenance guy, I realized that although he was very nice, he was not for me.  It was best to be on my own for a while after a recent divorce.

Fast forward again to my next boyfriend.  We met where I worked, and all the red flags were there, but I was enjoying the attention and did not read my radar.  He was a player and a drinker, but it all looked fun and I was not looking for serious - right?  Well . . . I told him about the herpes and he did not seem bothered by it at all.  Whew . . . what a relief.  So this of course led to a full year of great sex and me being a bit of a wild woman.  I guess I was living the teenage years in my twenties.  But then it happened.  I got pregnant.  BIG NOTE TO ALL WHO DON'T KNOW THIS:  If you are on birth control pills and need to take antibiotics, use protection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I was dumb and did not read the fine print.  Stupid me found out I was pregnant when I was 4 1/2 months.  Yes - it can happen!!!  My friends suspected before I did.  I spotted during the early months and thought my period was messed up.  Then realized I was too fat and feeling that "old familiar feeling" of being pregnant.  My parents were really disappointed in me, but I knew I had no choice.  This baby was coming and I had to deal with this.

I moved in with him and we stayed together 11 years.  It was an awful 11 years to say the least.  He was a drinker and often did not come home nights.  I knew he had to of cheated and to this day I am grateful that it is only Herpes I have.  I thought to myself, after all this time, two marriages and three kids and I've never been in love.  It was time to leave, and so I did in March of 2005.  This time I gave up the beautiful house and downsized to a so-so neighborhood.  But my peace of mind was more important, as was my dignity.  So here I am today.  I did meet someone on a herpes dating site, but we broke up about 5 months ago.  This time I payed attention to the "RED FLAGS,"  and I am much happier and confident nowadays.  Although dealing with Herpes is still very difficult, I have been able to talk about it with more people in my life and I am more comfortable with my status than I ever was.  I am "seeing" someone now for about 5 weeks and we are just "friends" for now.  He knows about my status and we are just playing things by ear.  If we end up just friends, I won't mind.  He's a great guy and everyone has their own comfort zone.  He has proven to me that he likes me as a person and that is what matters.

I guess you can say the moral to my story is for people to pay attention to the "RED FLAGS" in life.  Trust your gut and believe in yourself.  Don't sell yourself short either, especially when it comes to your own life.  You must find strength to believe in yourself.  Don't be afraid to reach out to others.  And, don't be afraid to be on your own without a boyfriend or spouse if the relationship is unhealthy.  Being alone gives you time to reflect and learn about yourself.  It has been a long journey for me and I am still not sure where I am headed.  I just hope I find true love someday.  I'd really like a best friend and partner to share my life with.  I just have to be patient and keep my Radar on at all times!  Thanks for reading about my big secret.

Sincerely,

Peachesncream

PS I forgot to mention that I made the professor get tested when I was diagnosed, and he had it.  He still blamed me of course,  Later on in the marriage I managed to get his medical records from 2 of his previous doctors and I learned that he lied to me.  He knew he had it all along and never told me.  Plus he slept with me with an active healing sore.  This was the actual final straw for me and I moved home with my parents.