Take your first step

It has always been difficult for me to really consider my experience as a "story"...for I don't have any kind of a "fairy tale ending"...YET. But even if someone will feel more comfortable in reading what I have to write, if only to be able to RELATE to someone...that is why I am sharing "my story" now.

Being raised in a good Christian family, even I surprised myself in the situation I found myself in. After joining the Air Force, my life took a turn for the worse... at least when it came to standing up for and following my morals and values. It was after "spreading my wings" for a couple of years, that I found myself agreeing to move in with my boyfriend at the time. A really big "no-no" for me, lol.

To this day, I am not 100% certain this man is the one who gave me Herpes, but from my story, you will see why I BELIEVE 100% that he IS the one... I never totally trusted this man the whole time I was with him, but it was one of those cases where he always managed to say the right thing at the right time... and I always thought he would change. Eight months into our relationship, I came down with a sore... much like a canker sore, but located "down there" instead of "up there", lol. It was not too bad, but then there was another...and another, and in seemingly no time at all, yet another. I think that in all, I must have had like 10 lesions down there at once! I was beside myself...in great pain and very, very scared. It did not occur to me that I had an STD because, well, I was never really educated in the area of STD's. Just figured it was some sort of an infection or something...a very, very BAD one!

I brought my "condition" to the attention of my boyfriend... let him have a look... looked for some attention and sympathy too, I am sure, lol. He looked at it, shrugged his shoulders, and simply stated, "Hmmm, I don't know." Not quite the reaction I expected or was hoping for, but okay...

So the next day, I went to a walk-in clinic. It was Saturday so I really had no choice. I remember being very uncomfortable... seeing someone I was not familiar with... feeling very embarrassed and vulnerable in the position I was in while the nurse took a look. She told me that, it LOOKED like Herpes... but that she would not be able to tell me for sure until I had a culture done. I was shocked. HERPES?! The only time I had HEARD that word were in the times I heard people telling crude jokes about it. I laughed, although I had no idea what Herpes even WAS... other than a nasty STD. People like me didn't GET Herpes!!! Anyway, she gave me a prescription... a pain killer. That was it.

I was terrified. What would my boyfriend say NOW?? Now that he knew that I had gotten an STD... but his reaction was the same... the shrug... the "I don't know". Ya know, it just struck me as kinda strange. I mean, if HE were to be the one to tell ME this news, I would have a LOT of questions... especially if I DIDN'T have anything. I mean, I would be a LITTLE concerned!! So I was very suspicious about that... but I was just happy that things were okay between he and I despite.

It must have been for at least a week or so that I was uncomfortable... I had to run a warm bath just so that I could go to the bathroom. It was gross... and I felt disgusting. Sure didn't do a lot for the self-esteem! The outbreak was finally gone in just under two weeks.

Well, I never went to the doctor. It was strange. I mean, I KNEW I had Herpes... just KNEW it, but not hearing the diagnosis for sure, 100%, made it almost like something that I was just going to put away in the back of my mind. It was like, if I didn't know FOR SURE, then I would not HAVE to accept it... confront it. And my boyfriend... well, he never mentioned it again and just went on with business as usual... did everything and LET me do everything we always did before. It wasn't til much later, after finding out that he had been cheating on me off and on and lying to me, that I KNEW that he had given it to me. I figured, though, that I would never get an honest answer out of him so why bother? It wasn't going to change the fact that I had something... wasn't going to make it go away...

Well, I went on, not learning...not telling...but always careful. I never took medications and never really needed them... and over time, my outbreaks got less frequent. Luckily, I never had one as bad as the first. Despite this, I still hadn't confronted and accepted Herpes.

I later met my ex... got pregnant after 5 months of knowing him. I had not told him anything... and when I found out I was pregnant, STILL never told him anything because not only was I scared at just being pregnant before I was married, but I was even MORE scared that I would be left all alone if I were to admit that I had Herpes... so I kept it a secret, although I am ashamed to admit that. I still didn't realize what I was risking... figured if I was just careful...

We got married when I was 8 months pregnant... I DID have a C-Section, but it was not due to Herpes. Oh, I DID tell my doctor when I found out I was pregnant, but it was never again brought up during my whole pregnancy. But that secret still ate away at me... but I didn't have time to worry about it because our son was found to have a malignant tumor at the age of 6 months. It was 2 years of hell... okay, not really hell, but enough was going on that all of our concentration was put into getting our son better. We had no sex life... and by the time our son WAS better, I had realized that we weren't in love... and without that, I was not able to have a sex life then either... not long after that, we split. My secret was safe... but it was still a lie to live with.

Anyway, once on my own, I got a computer... I was amazed at how LITTLE I knew and how much at risk I had put my ex and others. I ended up telling him eventually... ashamed and still a little scared, and he WAS upset, but since then he has had a good life and is happy with another. He reassured me that he didn't have anything... and had nothing in the 4 years we had been apart. I feel bad for the others I may have put at risk but I have no way of contacting them. I don't beat myself up about it now, though. What would be the use? We all make mistakes...

Since getting out of that relationship, I have made a promise to myself to NEVER get into that situation again. I am not a liar... and to live with a lie such as that is horrible and can only end up hurting people in the end... emotionally AND physically. I have done things all wrong so far when it comes to relationships, so for the last couple of years, I have been trying to do things the RIGHT way... and one of those ways is being totally up front and honest about having Herpes. I don't tell on the first date, but I get to know the person a little to see if there would be a possibility for something long term... allow THAT person to get to know me too, and THEN I let them in about my little "condition". I must say that in all of the people I have shared this with, only one has rejected the idea of seeing me. It was okay, too, because I had only been out with this person twice and there had not been enough time for any really strong feelings to be established. The time to tell is different for everyone. The important thing is that, well, that you DO tell! Even if you are "rejected", that person is still going to respect you for your honesty and, you can feel good about YOURSELF in your honesty. Each time you tell makes the next time all that easier...if there IS a next time! :)

Herpes has been a way for me to "weed out" the people who would not be good for me... the people who may have only one thing in mind. Sometimes I can tell just by TALKING to someone, what their reaction would be, and I don't bother with them. I date just as many people WITHOUT Herpes (or at least from the REGULAR dating sites any way) as the Herpes dating sites. Ultimately, I think it WOULD be easier to have someone in my life who is in the same boat... but I won't limit myself to that for I could be missing the opportunity to meet someone really great!

I formed a group called Life After Herpes on Yahoo over 3 years ago. It is not the biggest group or the busiest, but it is a WONDERFUL group of people. I wanted to be able to help others, especially when dealing with the emotional aspect of having Herpes. It was a good thing for me to focus my energy on as I started living and accepting life with Herpes. I watch as others learn and grow, and even now, I learn and grow still! This group is just as much for me as it is for others, and I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to be a part of the Herpes community in that way. I ALSO feel blessed to have met the wonderful people that I have, like yoshi2me and so many others. A big THANK YOU is in order! :)

I am no expert when it comes to Herpes, but I DO know that through this whole learning process, I have become stronger... more self-confident. I have become more compassionate towards others and I WANT to be someone who can help make a difference... and so can YOU.

Okay, so maybe I DO have a "story", lol... a mighty LONG one! Thanks for sticking with me...

Your friend,

Sheri

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

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