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Humbled by Herpes

I just left your site, after stumbling upon your inspirational stories off of H20 I was so touched by the stories, I literally cried at my desk at work.  I have never talked much about when or how I was diagnosed, as I was diagnosed very young; in fact I was a naive teen, at 18!  So, forgive me if this is not quite so eloquent.  I didn't know what I was facing, but after learning I had H, and breaking down in the emergency room in tears, my friend walked me through a waiting room of people whom I felt were all "watching me" and somehow knew.

I later tried to commit suicide I was so distraught at the social stigma attached and at that time felt my life was over, that I would never find love, or have a normal life.  I was so mortified, ashamed, scared I could tell no one, except my closest friend whom had accompanied me to the hospital on the day I had to have myself checked out.  I spent months crying on her shoulder feeling isolated and alone.  Over years I dealt with it, as we have to.  My suicide attempt was thankfully unsuccessful, as I felt a fear more overwhelming than I felt at having H when I felt myself "slipping" so to speak, and I called my friend whom took me to the hospital.

Over the years I put my pain and insecurity into writing poetry and working, enjoying time with friends, and tried to not focus on the Herpes problem.  I unexpectedly met my ex husband while working together at a local hotel.  Bill was from Africa, a blonde haired blue eyed, and somewhat nave south African whom when I sat him down to have the "talk" that I dreaded before we were "involved" simply said "What's herpes?"  I was so shocked I laughed out loud.  So, I explained and we were off into our relationship.  I met him Aug. 28th and we were married November 5th.  I cannot say that it was a blissful relationship; however there were happy years, and we had a beautiful son together.  We simply met and married too quickly, and we were divided by cultural and family differences and we could not bridge the gaps. Over time he held my condition over my head, and made me feel that I would never again have love or anyone that would accept me as he had, when we would fight, he would mentally abuse me by bringing it up and gloat that he was tested and didn't have H; it was a miserable hard time where I gained over 100 pounds, so miserable was I that I became an "emotional eater.  So, you're wondering, "my gosh, this is HORRIBLE, WAS THERE EVERY A HAPPY ENDING?  I feel I have gained strength over the years, and I have lost almost the entire 100 pounds, I am 3/4 of the way to goal, and feeling more confident everyday, and more importantly I have learned to love myself.  Incidentally he is remarried and lives with our Son whom is 8.  We were married for 8 years.

We all wear masks
to hide our pain
Innermost yearnings
and reality drains
The life within you
can be distorted and lost
the path entangles
as we seek what is lost
Guidance is sought
yet we find ourselves alone
Seeking meanings
to questions unknown
My soul is a presence
I am learning to feel
as she lingers within me
Complacent, surreal
I know of love
it is important to me
As a child I cried
for love I did not see
I have struggled for years
to find a place to call home
Yet strangely now suspended
Knowing now where to roam
From the sky I gaze
the ground looks the same
a collage of patches
seemingly nature so tame
The mountains emerge
bringing character to ground
that before sat transfixed
seemingly without sound
From the heavens I gaze
always reflecting I muse
Hoping to find truth
as I quest to not lose
All that I am
All that I can be
That lies within me
Afraid, waiting to see...

So, this brings us to the present and I am here again, facing the fears I faced at 18, feeling the age-old fear, and dealing day to day and since finding it feel humbled, hopeful, and a barrage of emotions I can't truly express at this time.  I suppose to put it plainly and not be poetic, dark or insightful which is my tendency, I no longer feel alone.  Yes, I still long for the true love.  I am going to insert a portion of my ad from the site because for me it's truly my hope, my dream, and it is more alive thanks to finding this site.  I hope through honest communication, an absence of mind games and mutual desire to find a truly wonderful experience, I will find the love I've searched for throughout this journey. I desire that which I've never truly had, my best friend, passionate lover, playmate and partner in crime; someone to share the ups and downs and laugh throughout them, and finally feel at peace simply knowing "I'm there".

I am pondering all of life again; I can't solve it all in one day. And glimmers of hope fade, and my inner cynic asks "why this way?" I am not a professional victim, I claim this life as mine; yet long for the unseen that which is love divine! I've loved, and seemingly it is not returned. I've been used, abused, and felt betrayals burn. All that I dream of seems to hard to find; hopes dim in disappointment and I struggle to control my mind... That would have me run and hide from it all, to not feel ashamed... and again not fall from dizzying heights reached within such hope, of what could be with whom, I will simply live and cope.


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