I Considered Suicide

Well, I could start out with what most people say & defend my sexual reputation by professing how I'm not promiscuous (which I'm not). Most of us who have contracted HSV aren't. But I'd rather get right to what I think many people will be able to relate to a little better. Suicide. Obviously I didn't go through with it, but when I was initially diagnosed, I did slit my wrist.

My 1st outbreak was awful and I couldn't bare to have to go through it one more time. I had just returned from visiting my ex in Florida. He flew me in because I just lost my best friend to congestive heart failure at a mere 29. I was devastated from it & he wanted me to come visit & relax. When I returned I had what I thought was a UTI so immediately started with cranberry juice & when that didn't seem to be working I stopped drinking all liquids & went to the Dr. I was in so much pain abdominally that I didn't even want to pee or even walk. I kept telling myself that "if this is something I can't shake, I'll kill myself". I couldn't handle the death of my friend, the loss of my job a month before, and the possibility that I may have something that would prevent me from having a normal sex life. It was too much. So when I saw the Dr he told me that it "looked like herpes" but he would have to run cultures. He also said that if any sores come up then it was definite. I prayed & prayed & the next day there it was. So, I carried out my plan & cut from one side of my wrist all the way over. I even left my mother a letter apologizing. For hours I sobbed while trying to drain myself & watched how it would stop bleeding & cut it again. The human body is amazing how it heals itself. Finally I passed out. It was over. Just to wake up in a mental facility.

You see, once you try to "end it all", you are a threat to yourself & need to be supervised. I was there with drug addicts, mental patients young & old, and many many sad people. One woman had a habit of hitting people, another kid kicked in reinforced glass when he couldn't use the phone, an older lady was on her 4th stay for trying to kill herself with pills & liquor & when her insurance ran out, so did she (not intentionally, who knows what became of her). There I was. Alone and in pain so bad I didn't want to walk. They wouldn't give me medication for HSV because they did not know if I really had it or not. Just sedatives so I wouldn't try anything fishy. I had to bathe in front of people and I remember this one nurse giving me extra towels with a look of disgust on her face. My vagina was swollen & oozing and all i could think of was how I could hang myself without anyone seeing. I didn't though. My mother made me promise I wouldn't leave her and I love her too much to hear her cry like that. After a couple weeks, I was released. On anti-depressants & anxiety drugs that made me a zombie, but I was home.

You see, I knew alot about STD's, my girlfriends in high school told me the horror stories & I did my research. I had always prided myself in being safe & clean, and fortunate to have never had to go through what they did. I also knew that herpes tends to flare when someone is stressed. This was my problem. I had always internalized my stress. To the point where I rarely cried and even gave myself an ulcer at a young age from keeping everything bottled up. So I knew that if I was to ever get herpes, it would affect me worse than most due to high levels of stress and not knowing how to deal. I knew I was not gonna be one of those people who get 1 or 2 outbreaks every few years, and I was right...I wasn't.

For the 1st 2 years or more, I had an outbreak every 2 or 3 weeks. I tried to relax but the outbreaks made me even more stressed. I tried everything. Zovirax, Acyclovir, Valtrex, Red Marine Algae, L Lysine, cut caffeine out, no nuts, anything that said it may help, I did it. Nothing worked besides time & Valtrex for me. It's been 4 years now & for the 1st time I have not had an outbreak in 4 (almost 5) months. That's a freaking record for me! What I account it to is managing my stress correctly for the 1st time. I had to quit the job that stressed me out & leave the guy that caused me grief and really try to be content with who I am & my personal reality, I have this, and it's not going to control WHO I am.

Since I do have herpes my sex life has changed, I must admit. I had to tell 2 partners, and that was very very hard for me. The 1st one was about a year after I got out of the hospital. And he was very understanding. We were safe, and in 2 years, he never contracted it. I can't say it didn't worry me. It did, all the time. But I'm pretty good at picking good people to be around, and he was a very good person. What bothered me was that he didn't do alot of research & we didn't communicate enough about it. I knew alot, but I needed someone who would initiate the conversations about it at that time.

The next guy I dated was so amazing to me when we met. I call him a "man's man", you know, the kind that seems almost too awesome. He courted me for months and we had many conversations about life, morals, ethics and everything in between. When the topic of std's came up he would tell me how "petrified" he was about them, even going as far as making his last girlfriend go to his Dr before they had sex to make sure she was completely std-free. These conversations ate away at me internally. I even mentioned that I knew someone who had HSV & was married & I remember him saying "that's a whole lotta love there to be able to do that, I don't know what I would do". I remember crying after that phone conversation, thinking to myself that this amazing guy would be soon leaving my life because of something I have no control over. So about a month or two later (we had not had sex), I couldn't take it any longer & had to tell him.

I couldn't bare being what I considered to be "misleading". Totally preparing for him to slowly squirm out of the relationship we were creating, I told him my story. To my surprise, he told me that he had more respect for me now than before for my complete honesty & strength that I showed. We are now planning our lives together. He is very vocal & we don't hold anything back from each other. I don't feel this huge weight of embarrassment with him when we talk about it. I think he has been one of the reasons my stress levels are low & outbreaks are less as well. I won't lie, I do get sad at times, but who wouldn't?

I would love to have unprotected sex with him all the time, but we both know that the only time we will do that is when it's time to have a baby. We may once every blue moon, but I worry about him & would not want him to go through what I did just for a couple of hours of pleasure. The most important thing that I have learned through this is that although it is tough to deal with this, I'm getting through it one day at a time and being honest & safe. - Karen

Copyright 2003-2008 Yoshi2me.com